The Magical Vagina

My best friend texted me other day. She said “I’d like to see just where in the Mommy/Wife handbook having a vagina makes you automatically responsible for every meal every person in this house ever eats?!”

Behold! It’s the magic of the vagina. xx-xy

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As Seen on TV

Some of the stuff I see on TV really disturbs me on a very deep level. Like that skin tag commercial, I can’t watch that thing without a case of the heeby-jeebies! Not only do I find the visualization of all those skin tags unsettling, I think it’s rude of them to make people think this will be some kind of instant cure when the fine print says “use for three weeks”… 21 days of looking at one of those? No thank you!

Then there’s that commercial for the “HurryCane”. Sure, it’s a neat improvement from the old walking stick, but come on, how stupid do they think people really are? When this commercial plays on TV, a bulleted list spells out the perks that come with ordering this cane. Not only will you have the HurryCane and it’s neat little travel bag, but you also get your very own, one-of-a-kind, Certificate of Authenticity. Now I know we’re all guilty of using those lovely bullet lists on our resumes, and sometimes they require creative writing to fill them in, but come on! A certificate of authenticity, for a cane?? I dare you to walk up to the first person you see sporting the HurryCane and ask them “Do you have the Certificate of Authenticity for that?”

Maybe there’s some kind of black market for HurryCane’s and they don’t want us to be tempted to purchase a knock-off, like my Cabbage Patch Doll and her birth certificate that proved she was real. (Well, it was the certificate and the signature of Xavier Roberts on her booty.)

Then there’s that one where the toe nails have fungus– I’m glad to know the makers of Lamisil are trying to solve one of the world’s nastiest problems, people with funky feet, but did they have to make the fungus pop open the toenail like the hood of a car? For years the sound of that commercial has sent a chill down my spine. Continue reading