Utterly Alone

I think I’m in the strangest phase of my life. I am surrounded by people all the time, granted, most of them are little people, but they are people. My house is never empty. I can’t even pee in silence and yet I am completely and utterly alone. I believe God has lessons for us in every stage of our development, I do- but I just don’t know what I am supposed to get from this complete distance I feel.

I keep doing projects. Tons of project. Repaint the dining room chairs, sew a summer wardrobe for the baby, paint my first painting, build my first wooden shelf, refinish the night stands, I have a list of projects that I have been cranking out. I find that I can really pray and meditate during these times, but I’m still missing something.

I need a friend. I need someone who calls me and wants to know how my life is going. Someone who wants to drink a beer with me or go for a walk. Someone who will let me brag about making my grand-baby laugh, but I’ve done something that has rid my world of every single friend I’ve ever had and I don’t know what that something is.

I keep asking myself if it’s the crazy mess I call home or if its the fact that I have so many kids and too many dogs but surely that’s not enough to scare everyone away.

The most fucked up part is that I don’t talk to the boyfriend anymore. Not at all. I don’t even know why. Just one day he said he was going to tackle a big project at work and it might be a few weeks before we could really talk again, and then months went by and I haven’t heard a word. I kind of think maybe he decided there wasn’t room in his life for me and his wife, and I have to respect that. I just wish he’d tell me that. But he hasn’t said anything. He’s just MIA. He spent 4 years talking to me 5 times a day about how many years he spent loving me (seventeen to be exact) and now I haven’t heard a word from him in months. It broke my heart just a little bit. I think because he is truly the closest friend I’ve ever had. He was the one. He didn’t judge me or try to change me or think I needed to do better. He just loved and accepted me exactly how I am.

We could of had a steamy affair. We could have made love in the moonlight and written poetry about it for years. But I knew if I let myself fall to pieces in his arms the way I wanted to, I’d lose him. An affair can’t last forever, so I thought we could be friends instead. Our souls were so perfectly matched, I thought having him as my best friend was the perfect solution. Had I known this silence was in our future, I would have said “fuck it” and danced naked with him.

Being married doesn’t mean your fantasies die, and that man stars in my carefully crafted dreams even now. And I can’t even understand why he’s not here. I’d give anything for one more conversation to lay this love to rest. Meanwhile guess what my husband thinks? He thinks my best friend has disappeared because I gave him what he wanted!

Yep, I didn’t do the bang bang boogie, but I should have because my husband thinks I did. He throws out little comments to let me know he questions my fidelity. I’ve spent years being faithful to this man who will flirt with anyone- who runs around town acting like a horny old fool and yet I’m the one being questioned in this relationship? At least I was honest. I never denied the love I carry for this blast from the past and I didn’t break my wedding vows but my heart is broken and I am lost and there’s not a soul I can take my heartache too.

There are nights I wish I could fall asleep and never open my¬† eyes again, but I know how ridiculous that thought is so today I’m going to focus on something even crazier that my somewhat break-up with my almost-lover. I have a long lost brother and tonight he’s playing with a band just about an hour down the road. I think I’m going to go sit in the audience and listen to him sing his heart out.

It might be weird. We’ve never met. We’ve spoke on the phone one time. I’m not sure he’ll know me. I’m not sure I’ll be brave enough to say hello. But I’m going to try. My husband said he’s going to take me. He said he wants to be my best friend. So I’m gonna try that too….