Cosmo on Blast

In China it’s The Second Brother, in Spain- a Mango, in Portugal- a goose. In the Philippines it’s a birdie, in the Czech Republic it’s a Whopper. Australians call it a doodle, Argentinians say its a missile. In Vietnam they call it a Cannon but my absolute favorite has got to be Pooneywooney. That’s what people in the Netherlands call their willies. I’m quite entertained, I mean I’ve heard love stick,  pocket rocket, crank shaft, dip stick, bald headed yogurt slinger, giving tree, Admiral Winky,  family jewels, gear shift, one eyed snake, Mr. Love, nightcrawler, cave digger, fishing rod, Go-Go Gadget, Trouser Trout, Pajama Python, schlong, tube steak, wing-wong, pain train, and totem pole- but Poonewooney was a new one on me!

Unfortunately it’s about the only thing that amused me when I finally got around to opening my new Cosmo. I bought it weeks ago because I was dying to see the sealed section. That was a let down about as big as an hour of sex with no orgasm. There was absolutely nothing hot or steamy or remotely exciting in there.

I think it’s time the people at Cosmo get a clue and realize they’re not telling us anything new. Or maybe we need to get a clue and realize they are just shuffling the headlines to trick us into buying their magazine. What once was the best guide to a steamy Friday night is now so cluttered with advertisements and recycled articles, I wonder why in the hell I still glance at it.

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