Truly Fucked

I started this blog because I wanted to chronicle the tangled web my friend was weaving as she created a fake facebook profile to catch her exes new love cheating, and it worked. The stupid girl fell for the fake profile hook line and sinker, but that wasn’t as satisfying to write about as I thought it would be. Then I ditched those posts and decided to write about my own twisted heart. I thought it would be great to confess that I still loved a boy from the past and that I sometimes spent my time entertaining myself by flirting with men all over town, but still that wasn’t anything mind blowing. Who hasn’t sat in their car, cranked up the sappy love songs, and tortured themselves for a moment with those “what might’ve been” thoughts running through their mind?

But today, today I can truly write the most fucked up story of my life. My daughter has become addicted to pain pills. She convinced herself that her younger brother was molesting her little sister, Today her brother is sitting in a jail cell. She’s left the state. My little girl is confused about what to say to who. And I’m left with a life falling apart at the seams. Why? Because a mixed up young mother decided to avenge her childhood traumas by creating a situation so she could come in and be the hero- Only no one here needed saving.

Today I surrendered my innocent son to a system I don’t trust. Today I saw him scared for the first time in his life. Today I realized that no matter how hard you try to keep someone else afloat, they sometimes sink your ship.

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. I’m in the battle of my life. I never in a million years could have imagined this would happen. I’ve tried my best to be good, to do good, and even when I wanted to be bad, I backed out and chose being good, and now nothing good has come my way. When do I give up??

I’m feeling pretty close to the end.


My brother from another mother

So here’s something that shocked me. My brother loved me. He was happy to see me. He apologized for chickening out before. He hugged me. I cried like a baby.

It was so weird to walk into a bar and hear a voice that is part of me. I’ve waited 36 years to meet him. Ok, so that gives away my age, but just this once, I will let it slip. Continue reading

Dear Sweet Tina

So the hubby has always had a girl following. He’s cute, he’s funny, he’s hyper, he’s outgoing. The girls love him. They Facebook him. They text him, They call him. They need their cars fixed and their kids chased and I think truly they just want to laugh, and he’s a big goober, so he makes them laugh. I am not bothered by that. My years of being the jealous type ended long ago. Hell, I’m the one with an arsenal of boy toys- the Cable Guy, the Pawn Star, the Coach, the Boyfriend, the Professor… so what kind of hypocrite would I be if I had a cow every time he said “hey sexy lady”?

image courtesy of

image courtesy of

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I’d rather be alone….

I’m so sick of superficial artificial fake-ass people. I swear I’d rather be home all by myself than constantly deal with fake friends, fake men, and drama I didn’t ask for. It’s pretty sad when you have 600 friends on Facebook and only two you’d trust with your heart.

A few weeks ago, I woke up in the middle of the night. My head was shaking. I can’t explain it very well, I can only say if felt like someone opened my skull, put their hand in my head, and shook my brain. I don’t know if my body was moving or not. I do know I wanted to cry for help. I wanted to wake my husband up, but I couldn’t speak. I could hear the words in my head, but I couldn’t get my mouth to move. I’m not sure if it was a seizure of some sort, but I know for the next week I was exhausted like never before and I had a headache I couldn’t shake. It was the scariest moment of my life. When my doctor said “you will be seeing me once a week until we figure this all out,” suddenly I realized, life really can be too short.

It was common knowledge around here that I was pretty sick, mainly because my husband is a big mouth, and I’m sad to say none of my Facebook followers bothered to check on me. People who used to claim they were my best friends couldn’t even muster a phone call. I’m not sure why that is. Maybe because I got sick of being the PTO President, Martha Stewart kind of mom I was known for being. Or maybe because I finally had too many things to do to keep helping everyone else with everything they needed, but sometimes I am shocked by the sheer audacity of some people.

One of these so called friends used to come to my house 3 or 4 nights a week. I cooked dinner for her family night after night. I treated her kids well, and I even ignored the fact that she thought riding on my husbands motorcycle meant she had some kind of chance to get in his pants. Then one day, I had a house to clean and kids to feed, and I quit lying to her about why she couldn’t get a man, and POOF, she was gone.

To be honest, I think the nail in the coffin was plain old jealously. I’ve got a husband and a blast from the past that loves me still, and she can’t get a guy to hang in there for six months. It’s easier to blame me that her own personality. I tried to tell her all it takes to get a man is a smile, a shirt that isn’t a black t’shirt everyday, and some cleavage. But she doesn’t like my advice, so she found a new best friend.

She still calls from time to time, but it’s always awkward. The day after I got out of the hospital I heard from her because she needed help with her computer. When I explained that I had just gotten out of the hospital, and couldn’t run into town to help her solve her problem, did she say “omg, are you ok?” No! She said “how ’bout tomorrow?”

I wonder when the world became so selfish? When did people stop honestly caring for one another? I wonder, how many people who say “I’m praying for you” actually fold their hands and whisper a prayer? Today, I’m thinking sincerity is lost on this world of ours, and that’s a bigger problem that gun control and terrorism put together…


Between the Sheets

So I haven’t blogged much the past few weeks. It’s been busy around here. Busy falling in love! With, of all people, MY HUSBAND!

My teenage daughter finally ditched her loser boyfriend. This boy has kept me up late at night for weeks at a time wondering when he is going to disappear. I just couldn’t stand watching my gorgeous daughter settle for this total douche bag, and no, I’m not exaggerating.

This guy doesn’t have a car, he always rides in hers. Okay, fine, not every kid can get a car. But has he ever once paid for the gas in that car? Then a few months ago my overachiever who happens to be the busiest girl I’ve ever seen decided she needed a job too. On top of school and the hundred other things she was involved in she started waiting tables. I couldn’t understand her need for more money. We pay her for taking her little brother to school, and we pay her to clean house- not a fortune, but enough for a kid her age to have pocket-money all week. Then I figured it out. The only time the douche was calling her is when he was hungry. So off she’d go to take him to McDonalds or Taco Bell and he couldn’t even come watch a movie with her. Continue reading

Buzz Kill

I’ve been in a bit of a funky mood the past few days. That’s not like me. I’m usually super upbeat, really optimistic, but the bank account is shoving the truth in my face lately and I don’t much care for the fact that I’m at the end of my barrel, after years of working to get slightly ahead, I’m back to scraping pennies. It doesn’t matter if you blame the President, the economic cycle, the rising cost of Nike’s,  or the stars in the sky, the fact still remains that I’m dead broke and the light at the end of the tunnel has burned out.

The kids have been a bit challenging lately, the husband is never home and even my favorite boy toys have been too busy with their real lives to run my imaginary one, so I’ve just been sliding down hill. Last night I couldn’t even decide what to make for dinner. I got 5 or 6 things out of the freezer and put them back. I googled new recipes and flipped through every page of Rachel Ray’s 30 minute meals book. I’m usually a fantastic cook. I invite people for dinner 3 or 4 times a week (mainly the in-laws, but still, I feed an army). Nothing looked good. Nothing sounded good. I ended up fixing the kids corn dogs with tater tots (they didn’t notice the funk in that) and got on Facebook. Continue reading

Bacardi Bliss

Last night I got away without the kids. Let me rephrase. Last night I got away without the little kids. Thank goodness my oldest 2 sometimes need to do things that require mom to go along and consent! My daughter was singing in a contest, she had to have a parent sign for her, and that was my excuse to fly the coop.

I was a terrible wife. I left my husband to fend for himself for dinner. He wasn’t too thrilled about that. It’s not something I’ve ever really done to him, so he was pretty confused. It’s been a confusing week. See, I have been a perfect wife, for 17 years. And I’m exhausted. I’m sick of feeling like my only purpose in life is folding socks. So this week, I’ve been on strike! I just haven’t done it all…

I love my family, I wouldn’t trade the opportunity to be a stay-at-home mom for anything. (Actually I do work part-time, but that’s not the point.) The point is, my husband just can’t seem to do the one thing that would keep me going, and that is be thankful. I need him to recognize the work I do. I don’t get raises or vacation days or health insurance, but I should get a thank you, pure and simple. Continue reading

The First Confession

So I was trying to write all about the tangled web of craziness my friend was weaving in her desperate attempt to hang on to some guy who wasn’t worth the effort, but the truth is I have plenty of my own secrets lurking. So I changed a few things about my blog, deleted the old posts, and now I am gonna head in a new direction with what I write.

The truth is, I am in my mid-30’s. Life isn’t quite what I thought it would be. I write another blog about my family but that’s the stuff I share on Facebook. That’s the stuff my mother reads. This is definitely not the kind of blog I want my mother to read, because this time, I’m telling all… Names have been changed to protect the innocent, and the not-so-innocent players in this game.

I have always said God must have one helluva sense of humor. My latest point of contention is the fact that boys reach their peak at 17 and we don’t even know what a peak is until 35. How fair is that? Just another evil twist in the journey of humanity…

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