Utterly Alone

I think I’m in the strangest phase of my life. I am surrounded by people all the time, granted, most of them are little people, but they are people. My house is never empty. I can’t even pee in silence and yet I am completely and utterly alone. I believe God has lessons for us in every stage of our development, I do- but I just don’t know what I am supposed to get from this complete distance I feel.

I keep doing projects. Tons of project. Repaint the dining room chairs, sew a summer wardrobe for the baby, paint my first painting, build my first wooden shelf, refinish the night stands, I have a list of projects that I have been cranking out. I find that I can really pray and meditate during these times, but I’m still missing something.

I need a friend. I need someone who calls me and wants to know how my life is going. Someone who wants to drink a beer with me or go for a walk. Someone who will let me brag about making my grand-baby laugh, but I’ve done something that has rid my world of every single friend I’ve ever had and I don’t know what that something is.

I keep asking myself if it’s the crazy mess I call home or if its the fact that I have so many kids and too many dogs but surely that’s not enough to scare everyone away.

The most fucked up part is that I don’t talk to the boyfriend anymore. Not at all. I don’t even know why. Just one day he said he was going to tackle a big project at work and it might be a few weeks before we could really talk again, and then months went by and I haven’t heard a word. I kind of think maybe he decided there wasn’t room in his life for me and his wife, and I have to respect that. I just wish he’d tell me that. But he hasn’t said anything. He’s just MIA. He spent 4 years talking to me 5 times a day about how many years he spent loving me (seventeen to be exact) and now I haven’t heard a word from him in months. It broke my heart just a little bit. I think because he is truly the closest friend I’ve ever had. He was the one. He didn’t judge me or try to change me or think I needed to do better. He just loved and accepted me exactly how I am.

We could of had a steamy affair. We could have made love in the moonlight and written poetry about it for years. But I knew if I let myself fall to pieces in his arms the way I wanted to, I’d lose him. An affair can’t last forever, so I thought we could be friends instead. Our souls were so perfectly matched, I thought having him as my best friend was the perfect solution. Had I known this silence was in our future, I would have said “fuck it” and danced naked with him.

Being married doesn’t mean your fantasies die, and that man stars in my carefully crafted dreams even now. And I can’t even understand why he’s not here. I’d give anything for one more conversation to lay this love to rest. Meanwhile guess what my husband thinks? He thinks my best friend has disappeared because I gave him what he wanted!

Yep, I didn’t do the bang bang boogie, but I should have because my husband thinks I did. He throws out little comments to let me know he questions my fidelity. I’ve spent years being faithful to this man who will flirt with anyone- who runs around town acting like a horny old fool and yet I’m the one being questioned in this relationship? At least I was honest. I never denied the love I carry for this blast from the past and I didn’t break my wedding vows but my heart is broken and I am lost and there’s not a soul I can take my heartache too.

There are nights I wish I could fall asleep and never open my  eyes again, but I know how ridiculous that thought is so today I’m going to focus on something even crazier that my somewhat break-up with my almost-lover. I have a long lost brother and tonight he’s playing with a band just about an hour down the road. I think I’m going to go sit in the audience and listen to him sing his heart out.

It might be weird. We’ve never met. We’ve spoke on the phone one time. I’m not sure he’ll know me. I’m not sure I’ll be brave enough to say hello. But I’m going to try. My husband said he’s going to take me. He said he wants to be my best friend. So I’m gonna try that too….

Advertisements

Throwing Caution

I don’t give a shit anymore about who reads this blog, or better yet, about who doesn’t. I am over the fantasy of being some highly regarded minimally famous Starbucks drinking laptop loving freshly pressed blogger. The truth is I don’t even have time to add that to the crazy life I already lead.

I’ve also given up on the idea of having a torrid love affair, and have decided instead to do the work it takes every day to actively love my husband.

Yep, he’s an asshole half the time. He bitches when I don’t get the laundry finished and when the six dogs he insisted on keeping get caught sleeping on the couch. He leaves his underwear on the floor. In 18 years he’s cooked dinner 5 times. But at the end of the day, he’s done a few things I can’t ignore and it’s not fair to go on living in the past, regretting the one who got away, and recently, some life-altering events have reminded me that my empty glass really is half-full. Continue reading

My Boyfriend’s Back

Ok, so I tried to play it cool. Girls aren’t supposed to call boys. That’s what my parents said when I was 11 and I had a crush on the boy around the block. I was supposed to wait for his call, and I did, and he kissed me, so it stuck! When I give my friends advice, I always say “make him come to you.” So why was I sitting around for nearly 8 days, completely devastated, wondering what did I do?

Continue reading

Ain’t Missing You At All

Have you ever missed someone so much you could burst into tears just by thinking of the last conversation you had? Have you ever “put yourself to sleep” by dreaming up a moment with someone, just one tender moment to carry you through your life? I’m feeling that way right now, like my heart is breaking and I have absolutely no right to even ask for an explanation.

My “boyfriend” is sort of MIA right now… He went on a trip a few weeks ago, and we had a long sweet talk when he was out-of-town. One of those “what might have been” talks that always pull my heart closer to him. Truth is, I have long ago abandoned to idea of having some seedy affair with him. Instead he’s become my best friend. My very best friend. The person I share my truest self with. Continue reading

Dear Sweet Tina

So the hubby has always had a girl following. He’s cute, he’s funny, he’s hyper, he’s outgoing. The girls love him. They Facebook him. They text him, They call him. They need their cars fixed and their kids chased and I think truly they just want to laugh, and he’s a big goober, so he makes them laugh. I am not bothered by that. My years of being the jealous type ended long ago. Hell, I’m the one with an arsenal of boy toys- the Cable Guy, the Pawn Star, the Coach, the Boyfriend, the Professor… so what kind of hypocrite would I be if I had a cow every time he said “hey sexy lady”?

image courtesy of pinow.com

image courtesy of pinow.com

Continue reading

It’s Official…

I don’t really know how to be a bad girl. The “boyfriend” says I shouldn’t live my life without being bad at least once, but that cracked me up considering the fact that seeing me had his hands shaking like a vibrator. I’m not gonna lie, I have wondered a thousand times if I shouldn’t just throw morals out the window to make room for my fantasies instead.

Despite his many years of being a bad boy, I guess he grew up to be a class act. He’s seen me twice in recent months and both times he kept his pants on. He didn’t even try to kiss me. I thought for sure he’d try to kiss me, but he has all these morals, and I guess he couldn’t bring himself to kiss me, because, as he put it, I belong to someone else. But he did buy me a case of beer! Continue reading

Between the Sheets

So I haven’t blogged much the past few weeks. It’s been busy around here. Busy falling in love! With, of all people, MY HUSBAND!

My teenage daughter finally ditched her loser boyfriend. This boy has kept me up late at night for weeks at a time wondering when he is going to disappear. I just couldn’t stand watching my gorgeous daughter settle for this total douche bag, and no, I’m not exaggerating.

This guy doesn’t have a car, he always rides in hers. Okay, fine, not every kid can get a car. But has he ever once paid for the gas in that car? Then a few months ago my overachiever who happens to be the busiest girl I’ve ever seen decided she needed a job too. On top of school and the hundred other things she was involved in she started waiting tables. I couldn’t understand her need for more money. We pay her for taking her little brother to school, and we pay her to clean house- not a fortune, but enough for a kid her age to have pocket-money all week. Then I figured it out. The only time the douche was calling her is when he was hungry. So off she’d go to take him to McDonalds or Taco Bell and he couldn’t even come watch a movie with her. Continue reading

The Single Friend

So I have this friend, and she’s been single for a long time. In fact, she’s been single every since the weekend my best friend Katy came to town. Must’ve been about 5 or 6 years ago by now. Like I said before, this is a podunk town, so there’s nothing much to do around here, but once a year, everybody goes down to The Fair.

There’s a rodeo, a ridiculously over priced carnival, and a few live bands that apparently are the cause of the jacked up ticket prices. When my son was little, I used to invite my best friend down, pick out a good cleavage displaying shirt, and load my kids up for some free rides at the carnival. I say free because carnival workers are typically perverted old tooth-missing men, and even though I would never allow one of these smelly guys with armpit stains on their T’shirt to buy me a drink or steal my digits, I will allow them to let me take my kid on the spinning apples without any tickets.  Continue reading