People Porn

“Charming, Chiseled, Channing Tatum: SEXIEST MAN ALIVE!” It didn’t take me 3 seconds to pull that one off the rack and toss it in my basket at Wal-Mart last week. I’m not gonna lie, the naughty side of me was hoping there’d be a sealed section, a rated R kind of page, because I knew long before Magic Mike came along that Channing Tatum is everything I’d like wrapped around the stripper pole in my bedroom! We might as well rename People Magazine “Mommy Porn” this week. There is some inspiration inside those pages folks!

It’s a pretty big deal that I’d even buy the magazine at all, considering my disgruntled view of Cosmo has turned me into one of those people who thumbs through at the check-out, then puts it back on the rack. Totally not my fault, I was a loyal buyer until it dawned on me that these magazines are regurgitating the same things week after week, slapping a new picture between endless advertisements and calling it the latest and greatest.

I thought surely that would change when I put Cosmo on blast. I was fully expecting them to call me up and say “hey we read your blog and we’re ready for you to help us!” I would have too! I wasn’t ready to turn my back on the very pages that taught me how to give the perfect blow-job and entertain a crowd at the same time. Continue reading

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Days Like This

The first text I sent this morning said “Remind me that I have this great life that looks so good in pictures, because today, I’m just not feelin’ it.” I guess there are days like this, but I sure wish they were on DVR and I could fast forward through them.

My day started off rotten because my husband wanted a blow job. He’s asked about 20 times this week. UGH. For some reason when he starts asking like a desperate 7th grade boy, it’s hard for me to wrap my head around it. It just gets on my nerves that he won’t take 5 minutes to rub my shoulders or scratch my back, he just wants me to be ready to go, whenever. If he wants a blow job that damn bad, he should invest in the 5 minutes, that’s all it would take to get my mind in a different place. To me, his lack of effort is to blame for his lack of results, but he had the nerve to tell me to “do my job”.

Oh. Hell. No.

That’s not MY JOB. It used to be my pleasure, but once again, I spoiled him. I used to perform that task for him several times a day. On the way to work, on the way home from work (we commuted together for a period of time in the early years), in the shower, at the movies, whatever, whenever, I was always up for keeping my oral skills in check. But it was totally one-sided. I can count on one hand the number of times he has reciprocated, and frankly, this mid-life mama is tired of doing all the work. If he wants my mouth to make magic, he better learn how to make some with his! Continue reading