Damn Me

I miss you. In the depth of my soul I ache for you. I question the road you chose and wonder why it led you so far away. I miss the smell of your chest pressed against mine. I miss the taste of your kiss- I’m not even supposed to remember that, but I long for the safety of your smile, the comfort of your voice, the complete lack of judgment that made me feel like someone truly knew me and loved me anyway…

I told you to choose her. I know it was the right thing to do but it hurts me still, knowing you were packing to leave. You were sitting there, completely vulnerable, ready to choose me- and we could have wrapped each other in love and understanding, and I told you to go back home. I chose misery to avoid the complications of explaining my twisted heart.  Continue reading

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Throwing Caution

I don’t give a shit anymore about who reads this blog, or better yet, about who doesn’t. I am over the fantasy of being some highly regarded minimally famous Starbucks drinking laptop loving freshly pressed blogger. The truth is I don’t even have time to add that to the crazy life I already lead.

I’ve also given up on the idea of having a torrid love affair, and have decided instead to do the work it takes every day to actively love my husband.

Yep, he’s an asshole half the time. He bitches when I don’t get the laundry finished and when the six dogs he insisted on keeping get caught sleeping on the couch. He leaves his underwear on the floor. In 18 years he’s cooked dinner 5 times. But at the end of the day, he’s done a few things I can’t ignore and it’s not fair to go on living in the past, regretting the one who got away, and recently, some life-altering events have reminded me that my empty glass really is half-full. Continue reading

Ain’t Missing You At All

Have you ever missed someone so much you could burst into tears just by thinking of the last conversation you had? Have you ever “put yourself to sleep” by dreaming up a moment with someone, just one tender moment to carry you through your life? I’m feeling that way right now, like my heart is breaking and I have absolutely no right to even ask for an explanation.

My “boyfriend” is sort of MIA right now… He went on a trip a few weeks ago, and we had a long sweet talk when he was out-of-town. One of those “what might have been” talks that always pull my heart closer to him. Truth is, I have long ago abandoned to idea of having some seedy affair with him. Instead he’s become my best friend. My very best friend. The person I share my truest self with. Continue reading

Dear Sweet Tina

So the hubby has always had a girl following. He’s cute, he’s funny, he’s hyper, he’s outgoing. The girls love him. They Facebook him. They text him, They call him. They need their cars fixed and their kids chased and I think truly they just want to laugh, and he’s a big goober, so he makes them laugh. I am not bothered by that. My years of being the jealous type ended long ago. Hell, I’m the one with an arsenal of boy toys- the Cable Guy, the Pawn Star, the Coach, the Boyfriend, the Professor… so what kind of hypocrite would I be if I had a cow every time he said “hey sexy lady”?

image courtesy of pinow.com

image courtesy of pinow.com

Continue reading

iConfess

I was never a fan of the iPhone. From the moment iPod’s emerged I though Apple added and i and overcharged for their stuff, but I just found a reason to love the iPhone. I’ve confessed before that sometimes in the middle of the night I hide in the bathroom and play Ruzzle on my hubby’s iPhone. I have been so depressed and overwhelmed by my life that sleep rarely comes to me. My brain won’t shut down because it’s too busy to making lists of the things I need to get done, the bills I need to get paid, the conversations I need to have but avoid… I could go on, but long-story-short for months I would stare at that stupid little screen until the light made my eyes tired enough to finally close them. The one night I tip-toed to the bathroom only to find Ruzzle had been deleted.

iPhone

It didn’t rock my world or anything, it’s just a stupid game I used to count sheep. I figured it must have drove him crazy with notifications or something so I never said a word about it and I never turned on his iPhone in the night again. The one night my blood sugar dropped to 53 in the middle of the night. I woke up dizzy and woozy. I am new at this whole “diabetic” bullshit but I knew enough to quickly check my sugar level. After spending the summer in the 300 range, I didn’t know what to think about 53, so I grabbed the iPhone to Google some answers. After reading a few pages that suggested I was in trouble, I crawled to the kitchen and drank the very soda I have avoided for four months now, and finally started to feel normal again, but the scare kept me from falling back asleep so I started to play with the phone, seeking to wear my eyes out.

Here’s where I found something I still don’t know how I arrived at… it was a prompt that asked me if I wanted to undelete messages! Undelete? Really? I’ve never seen that before. So I said “yes” and that’s when Pandora’s box opened up. Continue reading

It’s Official…

I don’t really know how to be a bad girl. The “boyfriend” says I shouldn’t live my life without being bad at least once, but that cracked me up considering the fact that seeing me had his hands shaking like a vibrator. I’m not gonna lie, I have wondered a thousand times if I shouldn’t just throw morals out the window to make room for my fantasies instead.

Despite his many years of being a bad boy, I guess he grew up to be a class act. He’s seen me twice in recent months and both times he kept his pants on. He didn’t even try to kiss me. I thought for sure he’d try to kiss me, but he has all these morals, and I guess he couldn’t bring himself to kiss me, because, as he put it, I belong to someone else. But he did buy me a case of beer! Continue reading

Between the Sheets

So I haven’t blogged much the past few weeks. It’s been busy around here. Busy falling in love! With, of all people, MY HUSBAND!

My teenage daughter finally ditched her loser boyfriend. This boy has kept me up late at night for weeks at a time wondering when he is going to disappear. I just couldn’t stand watching my gorgeous daughter settle for this total douche bag, and no, I’m not exaggerating.

This guy doesn’t have a car, he always rides in hers. Okay, fine, not every kid can get a car. But has he ever once paid for the gas in that car? Then a few months ago my overachiever who happens to be the busiest girl I’ve ever seen decided she needed a job too. On top of school and the hundred other things she was involved in she started waiting tables. I couldn’t understand her need for more money. We pay her for taking her little brother to school, and we pay her to clean house- not a fortune, but enough for a kid her age to have pocket-money all week. Then I figured it out. The only time the douche was calling her is when he was hungry. So off she’d go to take him to McDonalds or Taco Bell and he couldn’t even come watch a movie with her. Continue reading

Up the Ante

So I think it’s time to up the ante on my need for sexy attention. I think it’s time to lay a challenge before myself. So I lost 80 pounds, so what. I think I found 10 of them on Thanksgiving, but I’m not done with the transformation of this girl just yet. I think it’s time to take this game to the next level.

Monday I’m starting a new challenge called “Couch to 5K”. My best friend had to go and tell me about it. She wasn’t really fat, but I guess she was what some would call a chunky monkey and last year she walked it off until she turned herself into a hot mama. She even goes jogging these days so now she’s all “you can do it” and she’s the poster girl for “no pain, no gain…” Truthfully I’d rather a magic pill or a genie to grant me the wish of a Playboy bunny body, but let’s get real, I’m not gonna make it to Barbie size and nobody’s gonna pop out of a bottle and  turn me into the Supermodel that dwells within so I’m gonna get back in the saddle and take this horse for one more ride. Continue reading

I need my own place

As I sat on my bed crying the other day, my mind drifted into some imaginary place. Damn you Mister Rogers. Thanks to you I ride the trolley to world of make-believe all too often. This time I was pretending I had a place of my own to escape to.

Sometimes I wish I had my very own apartment. There wouldn’t be much in it. My real life is cluttered with knick knacks that preserve all my precious memories. But this fantasy apartment would just have the essentials. The lamps would be there for lighting, instead of because they had been handed down for 40 years. The linens would be perfectly coordinated high thread count delights. There would be one photo album, with only the best snapshots of the moments I most long to go back to instead of 47 scrapbooks falling off the shelf. Continue reading

Promises

 

You know I know we both have promises,
That I know you know we’re both gonna keep.
But that doesn’t mean that every now and then
My heart doesn’t miss a beat.
When I close my eyes and yesterday
is right there in my hands…
It’s a bittersweet reminder,
Of the way things might have been… Continue reading