Throwing Caution

I don’t give a shit anymore about who reads this blog, or better yet, about who doesn’t. I am over the fantasy of being some highly regarded minimally famous Starbucks drinking laptop loving freshly pressed blogger. The truth is I don’t even have time to add that to the crazy life I already lead.

I’ve also given up on the idea of having a torrid love affair, and have decided instead to do the work it takes every day to actively love my husband.

Yep, he’s an asshole half the time. He bitches when I don’t get the laundry finished and when the six dogs he insisted on keeping get caught sleeping on the couch. He leaves his underwear on the floor. In 18 years he’s cooked dinner 5 times. But at the end of the day, he’s done a few things I can’t ignore and it’s not fair to go on living in the past, regretting the one who got away, and recently, some life-altering events have reminded me that my empty glass really is half-full. Continue reading

Advertisements

So long Summer

It’s finally been raining all week. I don’t consider the summer truly over until we start to get the rainy weeks. I need my boys to come home from football practice with mud caked to their cleats to make peace with the passing of summer.  Oh how I used to love the summer….

This year summer had nothing magical about it. There were no trips to the beach, no late night phone calls to my love, no weekend getaways. There were no amusement parks, no road trips, no picnics, and not even a yard full of flowers to sit and enjoy.

There was a broken air conditioner, a pregnant daughter, doctors who threw out scary scenarios for us to pray over, a shoulder surgery, a sister trying to turn her life around, a mother who never called with she was needed, a cancer scare that hasn’t gone away and a house full of kids who were tired of Ramen Noodles.

The worst of it was that I am the one who lost the magic. I was the one who loaded those kids into the car year after year and made games out of hunting for rocks on dirt roads or piled them into a musty old cabin near the sand with nothing more than a few groceries and a bottle of sunblock to make the perfect vacation. I made the magic, but it’s like everything is gone now.

A hurricane stole that little cabin from me. And a disease has taken my joy. My love of writing has been sitting stagnant from the pain in my fingers. My love of capturing the perfect scene has been held back because of the fire radiating through my feet. My dream of a weekend on the road by myself to take nature pictures, squished! (I got the camera, and I lost the drive.) My journal of prayer has turned to a book of worry. Even my love of mothering is impaired by the pure lack of energy that has taken me hostage.

I’ve lost my ambition. I’ve lost my purpose. I’ve lost myself. And honestly, I don’t think anyone has noticed that I’m gone. I’m just an empty shell of the girl I want to be. Sometimes I reach out, but I don’t think I get through. So I wonder, at what point have you lost enough to just stop existing?

What is a life that sits un-lived? Maybe there’s a pill for that too. I’m taking so many, what’s one more, right?

My Boyfriend’s Back

Ok, so I tried to play it cool. Girls aren’t supposed to call boys. That’s what my parents said when I was 11 and I had a crush on the boy around the block. I was supposed to wait for his call, and I did, and he kissed me, so it stuck! When I give my friends advice, I always say “make him come to you.” So why was I sitting around for nearly 8 days, completely devastated, wondering what did I do?

Continue reading

Ain’t Missing You At All

Have you ever missed someone so much you could burst into tears just by thinking of the last conversation you had? Have you ever “put yourself to sleep” by dreaming up a moment with someone, just one tender moment to carry you through your life? I’m feeling that way right now, like my heart is breaking and I have absolutely no right to even ask for an explanation.

My “boyfriend” is sort of MIA right now… He went on a trip a few weeks ago, and we had a long sweet talk when he was out-of-town. One of those “what might have been” talks that always pull my heart closer to him. Truth is, I have long ago abandoned to idea of having some seedy affair with him. Instead he’s become my best friend. My very best friend. The person I share my truest self with. Continue reading

Just Take Your Lumps

     Some things aren’t supposed to be lumpy. No one wants to pour lumpy gravy on their mashed potatoes. When’s the last time your kids said “Mom, would you make me some super lumpy oatmeal for breakfast?” Or how ’bout “I want the lumpy pillow!” I’m struggling to think of something that is nice when it’s lumpy… yeah, I’ve got nothing! Continue reading

He was my hero… once.

Last night I couldn’t sleep. It’s funny, you spend months telling someone you don’t want to share a bed with them anymore, and finally they aren’t sleeping next to you and the house is lost in an eery silence. I was mopping the floor at 2am, trying to decide what do I do with this life, and wondering if I really do want to give up and start over, and I asked myself “why did you love him in the first place?”

That’s been our trick to getting through the toughest times. Every marriage goes through those days when you’re broke and the phone is ringing over and over and it’s not the people you love calling, it’s the people who want you to squeeze blood out of turnips. Then there are the years when you don’t think you can stomach finding another boogar under the seat of your car. And then there are the arguments about whether she is old enough to be wearing make-up or if he should be doing dishes too by now and whether they can spend a weekend at your parents house and why you didn’t get to the bank on time…

Continue reading

Angry Spouses

angrybirds

My husband just confessed that he makes me mad on purpose. He said he likes it when I get all feisty. He thinks it makes for some mean make-up sex. There’s only one problem with his confession…

When he pisses me off, there’s no way in hell I’m headed to bed to rip off my clothes! This is not a B-rated movie where there lovers get into a heated quarrel that leads to a mad-passionate-make-out session.

I’m not saying he has to bring wine and roses every time he wants to get lucky, but shutting his mouth about how much laundry is left to do might be a good idea. Putting me on the defense leads to only one thing– Bitch-mode!

Maybe I should just greet him in Bitch-mode from now on so he won’t feel the need to egg me towards it. He could walk in the door, I could call him a jack-ass, and we could straight-up get naked on the living room floor…

What do you think?

angrysex

Dear Sweet Tina

So the hubby has always had a girl following. He’s cute, he’s funny, he’s hyper, he’s outgoing. The girls love him. They Facebook him. They text him, They call him. They need their cars fixed and their kids chased and I think truly they just want to laugh, and he’s a big goober, so he makes them laugh. I am not bothered by that. My years of being the jealous type ended long ago. Hell, I’m the one with an arsenal of boy toys- the Cable Guy, the Pawn Star, the Coach, the Boyfriend, the Professor… so what kind of hypocrite would I be if I had a cow every time he said “hey sexy lady”?

image courtesy of pinow.com

image courtesy of pinow.com

Continue reading

iConfess

I was never a fan of the iPhone. From the moment iPod’s emerged I though Apple added and i and overcharged for their stuff, but I just found a reason to love the iPhone. I’ve confessed before that sometimes in the middle of the night I hide in the bathroom and play Ruzzle on my hubby’s iPhone. I have been so depressed and overwhelmed by my life that sleep rarely comes to me. My brain won’t shut down because it’s too busy to making lists of the things I need to get done, the bills I need to get paid, the conversations I need to have but avoid… I could go on, but long-story-short for months I would stare at that stupid little screen until the light made my eyes tired enough to finally close them. The one night I tip-toed to the bathroom only to find Ruzzle had been deleted.

iPhone

It didn’t rock my world or anything, it’s just a stupid game I used to count sheep. I figured it must have drove him crazy with notifications or something so I never said a word about it and I never turned on his iPhone in the night again. The one night my blood sugar dropped to 53 in the middle of the night. I woke up dizzy and woozy. I am new at this whole “diabetic” bullshit but I knew enough to quickly check my sugar level. After spending the summer in the 300 range, I didn’t know what to think about 53, so I grabbed the iPhone to Google some answers. After reading a few pages that suggested I was in trouble, I crawled to the kitchen and drank the very soda I have avoided for four months now, and finally started to feel normal again, but the scare kept me from falling back asleep so I started to play with the phone, seeking to wear my eyes out.

Here’s where I found something I still don’t know how I arrived at… it was a prompt that asked me if I wanted to undelete messages! Undelete? Really? I’ve never seen that before. So I said “yes” and that’s when Pandora’s box opened up. Continue reading

Be the Bigger Bitch

I grew up hearing that in life, you have to be the bigger person. You have to be the better person. But life has taught me there is no truth to this. The truth is, you have to be the bigger bitch.

When you were in high school, who was the most popular girl? She wasn’t that sweet girl who gave her lunch tray to some kid who couldn’t afford one. She wasn’t that kind-hearted girl who volunteered at the old folks home. She was the biggest bitch in the hallway, and you know it.

Why does the biggest bitch do the best? It’s simple, she doesn’t take anyone’s crap. No one’s! In fact, she dares people to cross her, and that my friends is why she ruled the hallway.

We all think we will grow up and high school will go away, but that’s not true either. It follows you. The biggest bitch in the hallway becomes the biggest bitch in your office. She’s the one who gets promoted despite the fact that her work is inferior to yours. Why? Because even your boss won’t dare to cross her.

My husband once told me that the person who holds the power in a relationship is the one who shows the least amount of love. At the time, he was young, recovering from a divorce, and I thought he was wrong to think such a thing. Twenty years later, I get it, even at home you can’t be that sweet young girl.

image courtesy of stupendousmarriage.com

image courtesy of stupendousmarriage.com

The problem is, the sweeter you are, the more people think they can take advantage of you. Help someone in a pinch, they start getting pinched more and more!

About a year ago, I was to the point that I felt like all people did was walk all over me. The more I tried to be supportive and helpful, the more I felt stabbed in the back! So, I found myself thinking back to that conversation years and years ago when my husband let me in on his little secret. At the time, we were barely dating and he was speaking of his ex-wife, but once I realized I could use his own advice against him, there was no turning back.

I had to learn how to choke back my tears. “Never let ’em see you sweat!” I had to learn that too. Sadly, it has worked. The meaner I am to my husband, the nicer he has become towards me. I reject him, he chases me. He sends me a text that says “I love you” and I text back, “Ok :)”, and he comes home with flowers.

Sure, I love being called beautiful ten times a day and I love that he suddenly admits that he couldn’t live without me, but why did I have to become the bigger bitch?

It’s not really my style to be so cold, but it’s true-

Hide your love, and everyone will work to find it. Show it freely, and no one will ever want to see.

The same does not hold true for cleavage, hide it and people forget you’ve got it. Show it, never buy your own drink again!

cleavagebeer