My heart is hurting. Why oh why did I try to spend Memorial Day with “family”? When will I ever learn?
I went to a BBQ at my mother’s house. After she had cancer and suffered the loss of her husband we started to rebuild a relationship. But it’s fragile. There are subjects we still have to dance around carefully.
They call me the abrasive one. I’m the know-it-all. I think I’m superior to everyone else.
Right, of course I am.
They are the victims of my sharp tongue and I just say these things out of the blue.
I started this blog because I wanted to chronicle the tangled web my friend was weaving as she created a fake facebook profile to catch her exes new love cheating, and it worked. The stupid girl fell for the fake profile hook line and sinker, but that wasn’t as satisfying to write about as I thought it would be. Then I ditched those posts and decided to write about my own twisted heart. I thought it would be great to confess that I still loved a boy from the past and that I sometimes spent my time entertaining myself by flirting with men all over town, but still that wasn’t anything mind blowing. Who hasn’t sat in their car, cranked up the sappy love songs, and tortured themselves for a moment with those “what might’ve been” thoughts running through their mind?
But today, today I can truly write the most fucked up story of my life. My daughter has become addicted to pain pills. She convinced herself that her younger brother was molesting her little sister, Today her brother is sitting in a jail cell. She’s left the state. My little girl is confused about what to say to who. And I’m left with a life falling apart at the seams. Why? Because a mixed up young mother decided to avenge her childhood traumas by creating a situation so she could come in and be the hero- Only no one here needed saving.
Today I surrendered my innocent son to a system I don’t trust. Today I saw him scared for the first time in his life. Today I realized that no matter how hard you try to keep someone else afloat, they sometimes sink your ship.
I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. I’m in the battle of my life. I never in a million years could have imagined this would happen. I’ve tried my best to be good, to do good, and even when I wanted to be bad, I backed out and chose being good, and now nothing good has come my way. When do I give up??