Just Take Your Lumps

     Some things aren’t supposed to be lumpy. No one wants to pour lumpy gravy on their mashed potatoes. When’s the last time your kids said “Mom, would you make me some super lumpy oatmeal for breakfast?” Or how ’bout “I want the lumpy pillow!” I’m struggling to think of something that is nice when it’s lumpy… yeah, I’ve got nothing! Continue reading

People Porn

“Charming, Chiseled, Channing Tatum: SEXIEST MAN ALIVE!” It didn’t take me 3 seconds to pull that one off the rack and toss it in my basket at Wal-Mart last week. I’m not gonna lie, the naughty side of me was hoping there’d be a sealed section, a rated R kind of page, because I knew long before Magic Mike came along that Channing Tatum is everything I’d like wrapped around the stripper pole in my bedroom! We might as well rename People Magazine “Mommy Porn” this week. There is some inspiration inside those pages folks!

It’s a pretty big deal that I’d even buy the magazine at all, considering my disgruntled view of Cosmo has turned me into one of those people who thumbs through at the check-out, then puts it back on the rack. Totally not my fault, I was a loyal buyer until it dawned on me that these magazines are regurgitating the same things week after week, slapping a new picture between endless advertisements and calling it the latest and greatest.

I thought surely that would change when I put Cosmo on blast. I was fully expecting them to call me up and say “hey we read your blog and we’re ready for you to help us!” I would have too! I wasn’t ready to turn my back on the very pages that taught me how to give the perfect blow-job and entertain a crowd at the same time. Continue reading

Cosmo on Blast

In China it’s The Second Brother, in Spain- a Mango, in Portugal- a goose. In the Philippines it’s a birdie, in the Czech Republic it’s a Whopper. Australians call it a doodle, Argentinians say its a missile. In Vietnam they call it a Cannon but my absolute favorite has got to be Pooneywooney. That’s what people in the Netherlands call their willies. I’m quite entertained, I mean I’ve heard love stick,  pocket rocket, crank shaft, dip stick, bald headed yogurt slinger, giving tree, Admiral Winky,  family jewels, gear shift, one eyed snake, Mr. Love, nightcrawler, cave digger, fishing rod, Go-Go Gadget, Trouser Trout, Pajama Python, schlong, tube steak, wing-wong, pain train, and totem pole- but Poonewooney was a new one on me!

Unfortunately it’s about the only thing that amused me when I finally got around to opening my new Cosmo. I bought it weeks ago because I was dying to see the sealed section. That was a let down about as big as an hour of sex with no orgasm. There was absolutely nothing hot or steamy or remotely exciting in there.

I think it’s time the people at Cosmo get a clue and realize they’re not telling us anything new. Or maybe we need to get a clue and realize they are just shuffling the headlines to trick us into buying their magazine. What once was the best guide to a steamy Friday night is now so cluttered with advertisements and recycled articles, I wonder why in the hell I still glance at it.

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