So long Summer

It’s finally been raining all week. I don’t consider the summer truly over until we start to get the rainy weeks. I need my boys to come home from football practice with mud caked to their cleats to make peace with the passing of summer.  Oh how I used to love the summer….

This year summer had nothing magical about it. There were no trips to the beach, no late night phone calls to my love, no weekend getaways. There were no amusement parks, no road trips, no picnics, and not even a yard full of flowers to sit and enjoy.

There was a broken air conditioner, a pregnant daughter, doctors who threw out scary scenarios for us to pray over, a shoulder surgery, a sister trying to turn her life around, a mother who never called with she was needed, a cancer scare that hasn’t gone away and a house full of kids who were tired of Ramen Noodles.

The worst of it was that I am the one who lost the magic. I was the one who loaded those kids into the car year after year and made games out of hunting for rocks on dirt roads or piled them into a musty old cabin near the sand with nothing more than a few groceries and a bottle of sunblock to make the perfect vacation. I made the magic, but it’s like everything is gone now.

A hurricane stole that little cabin from me. And a disease has taken my joy. My love of writing has been sitting stagnant from the pain in my fingers. My love of capturing the perfect scene has been held back because of the fire radiating through my feet. My dream of a weekend on the road by myself to take nature pictures, squished! (I got the camera, and I lost the drive.) My journal of prayer has turned to a book of worry. Even my love of mothering is impaired by the pure lack of energy that has taken me hostage.

I’ve lost my ambition. I’ve lost my purpose. I’ve lost myself. And honestly, I don’t think anyone has noticed that I’m gone. I’m just an empty shell of the girl I want to be. Sometimes I reach out, but I don’t think I get through. So I wonder, at what point have you lost enough to just stop existing?

What is a life that sits un-lived? Maybe there’s a pill for that too. I’m taking so many, what’s one more, right?

Advertisements

Ain’t Missing You At All

Have you ever missed someone so much you could burst into tears just by thinking of the last conversation you had? Have you ever “put yourself to sleep” by dreaming up a moment with someone, just one tender moment to carry you through your life? I’m feeling that way right now, like my heart is breaking and I have absolutely no right to even ask for an explanation.

My “boyfriend” is sort of MIA right now… He went on a trip a few weeks ago, and we had a long sweet talk when he was out-of-town. One of those “what might have been” talks that always pull my heart closer to him. Truth is, I have long ago abandoned to idea of having some seedy affair with him. Instead he’s become my best friend. My very best friend. The person I share my truest self with. Continue reading

Just Take Your Lumps

     Some things aren’t supposed to be lumpy. No one wants to pour lumpy gravy on their mashed potatoes. When’s the last time your kids said “Mom, would you make me some super lumpy oatmeal for breakfast?” Or how ’bout “I want the lumpy pillow!” I’m struggling to think of something that is nice when it’s lumpy… yeah, I’ve got nothing! Continue reading

Dear Sweet Tina

So the hubby has always had a girl following. He’s cute, he’s funny, he’s hyper, he’s outgoing. The girls love him. They Facebook him. They text him, They call him. They need their cars fixed and their kids chased and I think truly they just want to laugh, and he’s a big goober, so he makes them laugh. I am not bothered by that. My years of being the jealous type ended long ago. Hell, I’m the one with an arsenal of boy toys- the Cable Guy, the Pawn Star, the Coach, the Boyfriend, the Professor… so what kind of hypocrite would I be if I had a cow every time he said “hey sexy lady”?

image courtesy of pinow.com

image courtesy of pinow.com

Continue reading

iConfess

I was never a fan of the iPhone. From the moment iPod’s emerged I though Apple added and i and overcharged for their stuff, but I just found a reason to love the iPhone. I’ve confessed before that sometimes in the middle of the night I hide in the bathroom and play Ruzzle on my hubby’s iPhone. I have been so depressed and overwhelmed by my life that sleep rarely comes to me. My brain won’t shut down because it’s too busy to making lists of the things I need to get done, the bills I need to get paid, the conversations I need to have but avoid… I could go on, but long-story-short for months I would stare at that stupid little screen until the light made my eyes tired enough to finally close them. The one night I tip-toed to the bathroom only to find Ruzzle had been deleted.

iPhone

It didn’t rock my world or anything, it’s just a stupid game I used to count sheep. I figured it must have drove him crazy with notifications or something so I never said a word about it and I never turned on his iPhone in the night again. The one night my blood sugar dropped to 53 in the middle of the night. I woke up dizzy and woozy. I am new at this whole “diabetic” bullshit but I knew enough to quickly check my sugar level. After spending the summer in the 300 range, I didn’t know what to think about 53, so I grabbed the iPhone to Google some answers. After reading a few pages that suggested I was in trouble, I crawled to the kitchen and drank the very soda I have avoided for four months now, and finally started to feel normal again, but the scare kept me from falling back asleep so I started to play with the phone, seeking to wear my eyes out.

Here’s where I found something I still don’t know how I arrived at… it was a prompt that asked me if I wanted to undelete messages! Undelete? Really? I’ve never seen that before. So I said “yes” and that’s when Pandora’s box opened up. Continue reading

Be the Bigger Bitch

I grew up hearing that in life, you have to be the bigger person. You have to be the better person. But life has taught me there is no truth to this. The truth is, you have to be the bigger bitch.

When you were in high school, who was the most popular girl? She wasn’t that sweet girl who gave her lunch tray to some kid who couldn’t afford one. She wasn’t that kind-hearted girl who volunteered at the old folks home. She was the biggest bitch in the hallway, and you know it.

Why does the biggest bitch do the best? It’s simple, she doesn’t take anyone’s crap. No one’s! In fact, she dares people to cross her, and that my friends is why she ruled the hallway.

We all think we will grow up and high school will go away, but that’s not true either. It follows you. The biggest bitch in the hallway becomes the biggest bitch in your office. She’s the one who gets promoted despite the fact that her work is inferior to yours. Why? Because even your boss won’t dare to cross her.

My husband once told me that the person who holds the power in a relationship is the one who shows the least amount of love. At the time, he was young, recovering from a divorce, and I thought he was wrong to think such a thing. Twenty years later, I get it, even at home you can’t be that sweet young girl.

image courtesy of stupendousmarriage.com

image courtesy of stupendousmarriage.com

The problem is, the sweeter you are, the more people think they can take advantage of you. Help someone in a pinch, they start getting pinched more and more!

About a year ago, I was to the point that I felt like all people did was walk all over me. The more I tried to be supportive and helpful, the more I felt stabbed in the back! So, I found myself thinking back to that conversation years and years ago when my husband let me in on his little secret. At the time, we were barely dating and he was speaking of his ex-wife, but once I realized I could use his own advice against him, there was no turning back.

I had to learn how to choke back my tears. “Never let ’em see you sweat!” I had to learn that too. Sadly, it has worked. The meaner I am to my husband, the nicer he has become towards me. I reject him, he chases me. He sends me a text that says “I love you” and I text back, “Ok :)”, and he comes home with flowers.

Sure, I love being called beautiful ten times a day and I love that he suddenly admits that he couldn’t live without me, but why did I have to become the bigger bitch?

It’s not really my style to be so cold, but it’s true-

Hide your love, and everyone will work to find it. Show it freely, and no one will ever want to see.

The same does not hold true for cleavage, hide it and people forget you’ve got it. Show it, never buy your own drink again!

cleavagebeer

 

 

Digital Downer

So my cable company has decided to do away with all the analog channels in the name of progress. Fine. Just rip my heart out along with any chance my husband had of getting laid.

You see, my cable guy was a doll and he had hooked me up with the best premium channel package there was! And I waited each week for Thursday night to roll around so I could check out my favorite Gigolos on Showtime.

gigoloI can’t help it if I secretly yearn for a few bad boys to entertain me from time to time. Continue reading

I’d rather be alone….

I’m so sick of superficial artificial fake-ass people. I swear I’d rather be home all by myself than constantly deal with fake friends, fake men, and drama I didn’t ask for. It’s pretty sad when you have 600 friends on Facebook and only two you’d trust with your heart.

A few weeks ago, I woke up in the middle of the night. My head was shaking. I can’t explain it very well, I can only say if felt like someone opened my skull, put their hand in my head, and shook my brain. I don’t know if my body was moving or not. I do know I wanted to cry for help. I wanted to wake my husband up, but I couldn’t speak. I could hear the words in my head, but I couldn’t get my mouth to move. I’m not sure if it was a seizure of some sort, but I know for the next week I was exhausted like never before and I had a headache I couldn’t shake. It was the scariest moment of my life. When my doctor said “you will be seeing me once a week until we figure this all out,” suddenly I realized, life really can be too short.

It was common knowledge around here that I was pretty sick, mainly because my husband is a big mouth, and I’m sad to say none of my Facebook followers bothered to check on me. People who used to claim they were my best friends couldn’t even muster a phone call. I’m not sure why that is. Maybe because I got sick of being the PTO President, Martha Stewart kind of mom I was known for being. Or maybe because I finally had too many things to do to keep helping everyone else with everything they needed, but sometimes I am shocked by the sheer audacity of some people.

One of these so called friends used to come to my house 3 or 4 nights a week. I cooked dinner for her family night after night. I treated her kids well, and I even ignored the fact that she thought riding on my husbands motorcycle meant she had some kind of chance to get in his pants. Then one day, I had a house to clean and kids to feed, and I quit lying to her about why she couldn’t get a man, and POOF, she was gone.

To be honest, I think the nail in the coffin was plain old jealously. I’ve got a husband and a blast from the past that loves me still, and she can’t get a guy to hang in there for six months. It’s easier to blame me that her own personality. I tried to tell her all it takes to get a man is a smile, a shirt that isn’t a black t’shirt everyday, and some cleavage. But she doesn’t like my advice, so she found a new best friend.

She still calls from time to time, but it’s always awkward. The day after I got out of the hospital I heard from her because she needed help with her computer. When I explained that I had just gotten out of the hospital, and couldn’t run into town to help her solve her problem, did she say “omg, are you ok?” No! She said “how ’bout tomorrow?”

I wonder when the world became so selfish? When did people stop honestly caring for one another? I wonder, how many people who say “I’m praying for you” actually fold their hands and whisper a prayer? Today, I’m thinking sincerity is lost on this world of ours, and that’s a bigger problem that gun control and terrorism put together…

fakeppl

Confession: I have the blues

I think I have the winter blues. I just feel “blah”. I can’t seem to find my enthusiasm for anything. I started working on my old scrapbook, but I only finished half of it. I started cleaning out the closets, but I only did one. I went shopping for lingerie but I bought one thing and left the store. I LEFT THE STORE, and I STILL HAD MONEY!

I just feel so ‘bleh’ that I can’t even come up with a good word for it. I tried to cure myself with a long bubble bath, but all it did was make me realize that the grout is in desperate need of scrubbing. I tried getting a pedicure, but for some reason all I could was sit there and wonder if they were making fun of me in Vietnamese. I don’t know why I always think the salon girls are gossiping about the customers, but it does seem that way. Continue reading

It’s Official…

I don’t really know how to be a bad girl. The “boyfriend” says I shouldn’t live my life without being bad at least once, but that cracked me up considering the fact that seeing me had his hands shaking like a vibrator. I’m not gonna lie, I have wondered a thousand times if I shouldn’t just throw morals out the window to make room for my fantasies instead.

Despite his many years of being a bad boy, I guess he grew up to be a class act. He’s seen me twice in recent months and both times he kept his pants on. He didn’t even try to kiss me. I thought for sure he’d try to kiss me, but he has all these morals, and I guess he couldn’t bring himself to kiss me, because, as he put it, I belong to someone else. But he did buy me a case of beer! Continue reading