The Magical Vagina

My best friend texted me other day. She said “I’d like to see just where in the Mommy/Wife handbook having a vagina makes you automatically responsible for every meal every person in this house ever eats?!”

Behold! It’s the magic of the vagina. xx-xy

You see, it’s been known for quite sometime that females are actually genetically stronger than males. Sorry, we don’t mean to burst your bubble, but it’s true. You can lift weights, we can lift weights. You can fix cars. We can fix cars. You can install a ceiling fan. We can install a ceiling fan. You can mow the lawn. We can mow the lawn. Now you’re wondering, if women can do all these things, then why don’t they? Easy, because we have to make you feel needed for something. We are clearly the stronger sex. We give birth. Would you let a watermelon come out of your penis and then immediately start to care for it? I didn’t think so.

The truth is that if we started putting in the ceiling fans and weed-eating around the trees, you’d never get anything done. You’d leave it for us. That’s why we’re in the kitchen making dinner. It started out as a romantic date years ago, we chose to cook for you, trying to make you feel all nurtured and cherished, and what happened? You thought it meant you never had to cook again.

Apparently there is a whole list of things you need a vagina to accomplish, such as

  1. Putting the new roll of toilet paper on the holder.
  2. Loading the dishwasher the right way.
  3. Washing the clothes.
  4. Folding SOCKS.
  5. Taking children to their checkups.
  6. Mopping the floor.
  7. Getting out of bed to administer cough syrup at 2am.
  8. Putting dirty clothes in the hamper (as opposed to tossing them on the floor less than a foot away).
  9. Making sure the dog has his shots.
  10. Coordinating what’s left in the bank with what’s for dinner. (Cutting coupons, shopping the sale adds, stretching the pennies and planning the menu- not exactly rocket science, but a chore none the less…)

I’m not a man-hater. Really. I love men. I’m raising men who hopefully won’t stop doing their share of the cooking. I love it that my son buys his girlfriend little gifts and wants to cook her dinner. If only his dad could take a lesson! And not just his dad, because I have friends and our list of complaints is remarkably similar. There are just some misconceptions the male species seems to be stuck with. So you have two choices. You can either admit that vaginas made us magically stronger and smarter and just start bowing down to us, or you can get off your ass and do something to pitch in.

Yes, we like to make you feel like we need your protection. Truthfully, we just want to be made to feel special. We like big strong arms wrapped around us lovingly. You want a happy marriage? It’s simple. Do the dishes sometimes, even if she stays at home. She’s a homemaker, not a slave. Call her to say something nice- not “did you pay the taxes” or “whats for dinner” or “I need a blow job.” Nobody wants to hear all that, and if you want the last one to come around, you might want to step up your manners. Don’t fart under the covers and hold them around her face like a 14 year old boy and definitely stop bragging about the size of your last turd. I promise it wasn’t 7 lbs 4 oz and 19 inches long.

Vaginas are clearly magical and definitely lend themselves to creating the stronger sex, but I’m sure if you guys start working on your manners and good deeds the way you work on your biceps, those vaginas would be a little nicer to you when the sun goes down. Call it my two cents, but I’m telling you, this advice is priceless- now, if only you’d just take it and GO COOK SOME DINNER!



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