Damn Me

I miss you. In the depth of my soul I ache for you. I question the road you chose and wonder why it led you so far away. I miss the smell of your chest pressed against mine. I miss the taste of your kiss- I’m not even supposed to remember that, but I long for the safety of your smile, the comfort of your voice, the complete lack of judgment that made me feel like someone truly knew me and loved me anyway…

I told you to choose her. I know it was the right thing to do but it hurts me still, knowing you were packing to leave. You were sitting there, completely vulnerable, ready to choose me- and we could have wrapped each other in love and understanding, and I told you to go back home. I chose misery to avoid the complications of explaining my twisted heart. 

I’ve always loved two men. I chose the one who picked me up when you  were gone but I never really let you go. You were always there in the back of my mind- in my fantasies, and my dreams. I never thought I’d see you again and then after 17 years of wondering what had become of you, there you were! Like a fucking angel sent to save my drowning soul and suddenly I could breathe again. It was a new air, an air so fresh I was awakened.

Why did we always have to be a secret? Why were we always a forbidden love? Your soul speaks to mine. You get me. You love it that I would want to spend the day curled up in bed reading classic novels naked, because you love that idea too. You’d read the words of Moby Dick and I could listen to your soothing voice and close my eyes and see the whale in the vast ocean. The ocean, that belongs to us. If we could live our imaginary life we could play chess for weeks and live on potato soup and you get it that this body will never reach the goals I continuously set, despite my efforts to torture myself into them, and you call me beautiful anyway. You know that my one tattoo is about the woman who lives inside of me, the woman no one else knows.

And so I miss you. While I go on driving to baseball games and dance recitals and organizing homework folders, I hear you creeping into my heart. You’re always there, reminding me that soulmates do exist and a great love did happen and that love, well that love won’t die. I’ve tried to kill it.

For the sake of being a good wife, I tried to lose it, to forget it, to bury it, to leave it behind, and yet it follows me, everywhere. It pulls at me until I ache with regret. The biggest regret? That I was faithful- that you were faithful! Not to each other, no, to the promises we both made to someone else, and so our great and powerful love just danced between us in memories and thoughts of what might have been- never able to cross that line we so desperately wanted to cross.  And then there’s the moment- you know the one- at a beach house, under the moonlight, hand in hand, when we first fell as teenagers, and I was your best friend’s girl, and we were doomed to be a secret. I play that moment over and over and I know you do too. I know those rainy nights remind you, just like they remind me, of what we could be if only INTEGRITY wasn’t our enemy. Honor took you from me. Honesty wouldn’t let me give everything to you the way I desired to and so I live without my soulmate. I live without half of my heart and I miss you. I long for a sign that you’re not gone, not forever, because I’m still reaching for you. You’re my best friend, and if you come back, this time I promise, I will guard the secret and never let it out again. I’m lonely without you…

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6 thoughts on “Damn Me

  1. This is powerful and disclosing. I can relate – I married young, was faithful to a woman not a good fit, but integrity dictated I stay. When she left it was a welcome freedom. Now I have found Waco and we give each other lives that are better than the sum of their parts.

    I hate you are so torn, but who knows what your future will reveal?

    (If you want to learn about my relationship with Waco, you can click the Waco tag in the sidebar – no obligation, just if you want to know. It has been a fun, frustrating and fulfilling journey.)

  2. Waco is the nickname of a girl I started dating a couple years ago. I call her “Waco” on the blog because she’s from Waco. She lives in Chattanooga. We became a couple back in 2014 – at least we were until today. Today I’m not quite sure. Kinda had a bump in the road and I’m not sure where it is heading. I’ll probably write it up for the blog.

    You can read a chronology of our relationship by reading the Waco tagged posts. (Or just click that link)

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