A thousand tears….

I’m sick of crying. Everyday something new comes to my attention. Something I missed. About MY OWN DAUGHTER. How could I not see the things that were happening?

I’ve spent her entire life trying to fix her. Trying to save her. Trying to build her up. And now she tore me down with one move. How does that happen? It’s like a game of chess you’ve spent months on, carefully planning every play, and then all of sudden, checkmate.

What do you do when your child falls prey to the dark side?

All I keep doing is praying for the light.

photography 118

Truly Fucked

I started this blog because I wanted to chronicle the tangled web my friend was weaving as she created a fake facebook profile to catch her exes new love cheating, and it worked. The stupid girl fell for the fake profile hook line and sinker, but that wasn’t as satisfying to write about as I thought it would be. Then I ditched those posts and decided to write about my own twisted heart. I thought it would be great to confess that I still loved a boy from the past and that I sometimes spent my time entertaining myself by flirting with men all over town, but still that wasn’t anything mind blowing. Who hasn’t sat in their car, cranked up the sappy love songs, and tortured themselves for a moment with those “what might’ve been” thoughts running through their mind?

But today, today I can truly write the most fucked up story of my life. My daughter has become addicted to pain pills. She convinced herself that her younger brother was molesting her little sister, Today her brother is sitting in a jail cell. She’s left the state. My little girl is confused about what to say to who. And I’m left with a life falling apart at the seams. Why? Because a mixed up young mother decided to avenge her childhood traumas by creating a situation so she could come in and be the hero- Only no one here needed saving.

Today I surrendered my innocent son to a system I don’t trust. Today I saw him scared for the first time in his life. Today I realized that no matter how hard you try to keep someone else afloat, they sometimes sink your ship.

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. I’m in the battle of my life. I never in a million years could have imagined this would happen. I’ve tried my best to be good, to do good, and even when I wanted to be bad, I backed out and chose being good, and now nothing good has come my way. When do I give up??

I’m feeling pretty close to the end.