So here’s something that shocked me. My brother loved me. He was happy to see me. He apologized for chickening out before. He hugged me. I cried like a baby.
It was so weird to walk into a bar and hear a voice that is part of me. I’ve waited 36 years to meet him. Ok, so that gives away my age, but just this once, I will let it slip.
I was two years old when my mom and dad sat me down and said I had a big brother. I didn’t really care how that worked, I just wanted him. I was so excited, I was going to meet him. They told me his name, I said it to myself over and over and over. Then I waited. And I waited.
My baby sister was born, still I waited. A year went by. Another freaking baby sister was born. Still I waited. My parents got a divorce, and STILL, I waited.
So what was the hold-up? Well I guess the fact that my dad was an orphan. His parents died. No one cared. Actually his dad died, his mother promised to pick up the pieces, a year later she joined him in the grave. They left behind four children- one girl and three boys.
The oldest daughter took off, got married, lived a life in another state. The oldest brother took off to the big city. That left two young boys all alone in a house. No one was watching them. No one made sure they went to school or did their homework or learned how to get a job.
I get it, it was the 70s, half the world was stoned out of their heads, but where was CPS? Where were family members? What about a truancy officer or a policeman? Did nobody notice that these kids were literally fending for themselves?
So that leaves my dad, not going to school, not eating dinner, not getting a new pair of shoes, but he did manage to get a young girl pregnant, and then that scared him right into the army.
So he got out, the baby was born, but his grandpa was taking care of him and told my dad to take a hike. He had no one else to tell him what to do, so he did what he was told. He took a hike.
He’s never made excuses for that. He’s got his regrets. He wanted to redo that so many times in his life. But there’s a point in which you have no right to disturb someone else’s life, and that’s where he felt like he was- on the outside looking in. He was never able to be a part of my brother’s life.
Then one day I met a guy with the same last name I knew my brother had. He said my brother was his cousin! I tried to get his phone number, but mother’s stepped in and I wasn’t allowed to call. Years passed. Google was invented. I looked him up a thousand times. I could never get close enough to find him.
THEN enter FACEBOOK! His wife was on Facebook! So I got to talk to him. We talked a few times. Then he got scared. He didn’t want the complications of opening that can of worms. I was hurt, but I let him have his space. But his wife was my Facebook friend! And so I watched. I watched their kids grow and their baby be born and then I saw them move into their new house, only 30 minutes from mine!
And he’s a musician. Just like my baby. And he writes music, just like me, and I knew there would be a moment that our paths would cross.
Saturday night our moment came. I’m still in awe. I can’t believe he hugged me. I can’t believe he embraced my presence. I was prepared for a “fuck off” and I got a “let’s barbeque sometime”.
So now, it’s a new journey. I need a new journey. My step-dad died a few months ago and the step-sister that I once thought was my best friend has decided we no longer matter to each other, so I need to matter to somebody.
Thirty-six years is a long time to get ready to love someone unconditionally, so I think I’m ready….