Have you ever missed someone so much you could burst into tears just by thinking of the last conversation you had? Have you ever “put yourself to sleep” by dreaming up a moment with someone, just one tender moment to carry you through your life? I’m feeling that way right now, like my heart is breaking and I have absolutely no right to even ask for an explanation.
My “boyfriend” is sort of MIA right now… He went on a trip a few weeks ago, and we had a long sweet talk when he was out-of-town. One of those “what might have been” talks that always pull my heart closer to him. Truth is, I have long ago abandoned to idea of having some seedy affair with him. Instead he’s become my best friend. My very best friend. The person I share my truest self with.
When he got back to work, I guess they got some crazy new equipment in that needs to be installed and programmed and I haven’t really heard from him much. Four years, I have talked to him nearly every single day for the past four years, and suddenly, my phone hasn’t rang. I called him once, and he told me work was crazy, and at that point, I just have to let it be.
I mean, what right do I have to ask any more of him? We are just friends, right? We are both married to someone else, right? So why in the world is my heart breaking into a million pieces with a zillion ideas racing through my head. Why can’t I close my eyes without checking my phone to see if maybe, just maybe he texted.
The weirdest part is that I was laying in bed the other night, having a strangely comfortable conversation with my husband. We were looking through my old yearbooks, and he saw “the boyfriend” and he asked me “why didn’t you marry him?”
It caught me off guard, and I had to think about it for a minute. How many times have I asked myself that very question… Lucky me, the husband said “It’s too late now, I’m keeping you” and we laughed about it. Finally I answered “we fell in love when I was his best friend’s girl. It was never the right thing to do, so we never did anything about the moment we realized we had feelings…” and my husband respected that answer, and then said the one thing I didn’t think he could really understand. He said “its ok if you love him, as long as you love me more.”
And now my heart is truly baffled. And I can’t even tell the boyfriend about that conversation. I can’t ask him why he hasn’t called. I can’t demand he go back to giving me his attention every day. I can’t remind him that he promised he never leave my life again. All I can do is pretend that I “ain’t missing you at all….”