So my cable company has decided to do away with all the analog channels in the name of progress. Fine. Just rip my heart out along with any chance my husband had of getting laid.
You see, my cable guy was a doll and he had hooked me up with the best premium channel package there was! And I waited each week for Thursday night to roll around so I could check out my favorite Gigolos on Showtime.
Now, even though I pay for Showtime, I can’t get it in my bedroom unless I buy another cable box, and pay the extra $8 a month to use it. That seems a bit ridiculous. It’s kind of like Sprint and their “truly unlimited data”, which might be true to some degree, but if you wanna use that data on your smart phone you have to ante up another $10 per line. I swear, these rip-offs are getting old!
I don’t really mind losing “Skin-a-max” (aka Cinemax), even though I find Dr. Dirk very entertaining, but I’m gonna have to break down and pay the $8 just to see the gigolos new season.
If you haven’t seen it, I’ll catch you up real quick. Jimmy’s not in the picture, because apparently he got a little too big for his britches, and he’s really not in the picture anymore, as in he’s fired! I wonder if they called in old Mr. Trump to give him the ax? But Steven’s still on the show, and he’s a bit odd. My husband swears he’s gay. I’m not sure, but I do know he definitely marches to a different beat. Then there’s Brace, who’s a bit older and oranger. Yep, I said oranger. I think he’s never met a tanning bed he could turn down. Then there’s Vin, the one in the middle. He swears he’s black, but I don’t see it. Maybe his great grandma was black, but it’s pretty trickled down if you ask me. I think he’s just hoping we’ll all think he got black in his pants. Then there’s Nick. He’s not the great rapper he aspires to be, but he’s the yummy one if you ask me. Although he might be making a little too much money because his tattoo is growing by leaps and bounds. And then there’s Ash. The super sensitive Native American Ash. Thanks, but no thanks. I couldn’t be with a man who calls everything “beautiful” and pretends there is love in those fifty dollar bills. I am repulsed by the fakeness of his sweetness if you know what I mean. I like a man who says he tries to break a sweat six days a week, and I wouldn’t mind if some of that sweat were falling all over me!
In fact, I think I’ll save a spot for Nick next to Channing on my Fantasy Island.
So now I guess I’ll have even less money left at the end of the month, because I’m gonna have to dish out the cash to get my Gigolos back. He may complain every time I spend a dime, but my poor husband is gonna be a very lonely man without a little inspiration in our bedroom.
Of course, he could learn how to give a good massage………….