As Seen on TV

Some of the stuff I see on TV really disturbs me on a very deep level. Like that skin tag commercial, I can’t watch that thing without a case of the heeby-jeebies! Not only do I find the visualization of all those skin tags unsettling, I think it’s rude of them to make people think this will be some kind of instant cure when the fine print says “use for three weeks”… 21 days of looking at one of those? No thank you!

Then there’s that commercial for the “HurryCane”. Sure, it’s a neat improvement from the old walking stick, but come on, how stupid do they think people really are? When this commercial plays on TV, a bulleted list spells out the perks that come with ordering this cane. Not only will you have the HurryCane and it’s neat little travel bag, but you also get your very own, one-of-a-kind, Certificate of Authenticity. Now I know we’re all guilty of using those lovely bullet lists on our resumes, and sometimes they require creative writing to fill them in, but come on! A certificate of authenticity, for a cane?? I dare you to walk up to the first person you see sporting the HurryCane and ask them “Do you have the Certificate of Authenticity for that?”

Maybe there’s some kind of black market for HurryCane’s and they don’t want us to be tempted to purchase a knock-off, like my Cabbage Patch Doll and her birth certificate that proved she was real. (Well, it was the certificate and the signature of Xavier Roberts on her booty.)

Then there’s that one where the toe nails have fungus– I’m glad to know the makers of Lamisil are trying to solve one of the world’s nastiest problems, people with funky feet, but did they have to make the fungus pop open the toenail like the hood of a car? For years the sound of that commercial has sent a chill down my spine.

I see all of this stuff parading around my TV screen and I want to scream. Why can’t we go back to the days when people were ashamed of such problems and googled them secretly in search of solutions? No, now we have to have a commercial for everything. Apparently even laughing and crying can require a pill to get you back in whack. It’sa form of VD, which I thought was something you might need antibiotics for, but no! They didn’t mean Venereal Disease, now days old people suffer from Vascular Dementia, a condition where you might just burst out in tears or laugh your ass off for no reason, and they want to give you medicine for that. If I end up with that, leave me alone. I’d love to spend my final years cracking up at nothing and making my grand-kids wonder what the hell is wrong with me. Don’t take my fun away!

It’s amazing the stuff you can learn just watching TV. You can fix you’re problems with heartburn, diarrhea, fungus feet, warts, skin tags, and erectile dysfunctions (although I’m still unsure why a four-hour erection is a problem), but I’m thinking last night I saw the absolute worst of them  all.  To be fair it wasn’t a commercial advertising this thing, but I’m thinking it’s only a matter of time before someone makes an infomercial out of this.

Apparently TLC’s latest reality show centers around the wives of plastic surgeons. These “Plastic Wives” are, of course, addicted to going under the knife. I don’t know how I managed to see this, but last night I sat down on my couch just as one of them was getting a “G-shot” for her anniversary. A shot to the G-spot? Not exactly what I envision as a wonderful gift!

First, I don’t think I want someone putting a needle in my G-spot, and second, especially not if that needle if full of some kind of acid. It’s basically like Botox for Ms. Kitty… thanks, but I’ll pass. I can’t imagine spending $1500 on a procedure no one will see anyway… If I’m gonna have some work done it’s gonna be something everyone can appreciate. Another one of these crazy ladies actually had her labia removed and kept it in a little jar. I don’t know what’s wrong with these people!

labia-jar

Plastic surgery can not be so addicting that once you’ve done your face, you head for your vagina?! I can see giving Ms. Kitty a new hairstyle, but a freaking facelift? I think I should stop watching TV, there’s just nothing private left! I wonder if that G-shot comes with a Certificate of Authenticity, I hate to end up with a knock-off of that!

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3 thoughts on “As Seen on TV

  1. Why does the skin tag commercial gives you a funny feeling? I don’t get it. That seems so benign and harmless to me. The other stuff are plausible, but why skin tag?

    As for plastic. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but it’s fucking disgusting! I wouldn’t fuck a girl who has fake boobs. And it’s so mind-boggling how men go crazy over fake tits!

    • I don’t know, just watching drives me nuts. I can’t stand all the close-ups they show of those skin tags. Can’t explain it, just bugs the freak out of me! Glad you don’t go for the plastics. The real ones are definitely much better. 🙂

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