I don’t really know how to be a bad girl. The “boyfriend” says I shouldn’t live my life without being bad at least once, but that cracked me up considering the fact that seeing me had his hands shaking like a vibrator. I’m not gonna lie, I have wondered a thousand times if I shouldn’t just throw morals out the window to make room for my fantasies instead.
Despite his many years of being a bad boy, I guess he grew up to be a class act. He’s seen me twice in recent months and both times he kept his pants on. He didn’t even try to kiss me. I thought for sure he’d try to kiss me, but he has all these morals, and I guess he couldn’t bring himself to kiss me, because, as he put it, I belong to someone else. But he did buy me a case of beer!
Damn it. Why do I have to agree with his morals? It would be so much more fun if my life could just be like an episode of the Young and the Restless. We could be the Middle Aged and the Naked, but instead we’re Just Friends and Behaving. That’s not a very juicy confession: I didn’t get naked!
I didn’t get naked with my boyfriend and it kind of broke my heart. On one hand, I’m proud of myself that I am not a cheater-cheater-pumpkin-eater but on the other hand, I sometimes cry whenever I think of him and how close we came to having that once in a lifetime kind of love, and I wonder why we can’t just have that one night together no one ever has to know about? I guess because we would know, and there it is again, those morals I sometimes wish we didn’t have! Those morals are keeping me from being naked, and that’s just not cool.
In fact, “I didn’t get naked” is becoming a theme. I don’t get naked with my husband because he’s a jackass and he refuses to do anything that remotely appeals to me. Most men will sacrifice a 5 minute back rub if it buys them a 15 minute blow job, but not my husband! He just can’t do the math.
I didn’t get naked with the coach because his wife posts sweet things about how much she loves him on Facebook, and because I really think he was just fishing to see if he could still turn a few heads, I don’t think he really has the balls to go through with it.
I didn’t get naked with the cable guy cuz he’s just a flirt like me. He’s all talk, he means no harm. I think that’s what makes him my favorite, because I know he’d never go through with it, he’s just likes to have a little fun, use his “oral skills”. (Flirting people, talking is oral!)
I didn’t get naked with the Pawn Star because, well, because there’s not a snow ball’s chance in hell I could ever be turned on by a man just because he likes me. He’s got to have substance. Plus, I think he likes anything with boobs. I gotta say, in all my years of shopping I have never been so blatantly flirted with as I am when I go in there. It can be quite entertaining in a weird sort of way. Last week he smelled the hundred-dollar bill I handed him. Ok, so I did have it in my bra, but still, did he have to smell it in front of me? Then he said “that’s the good stuff, right there!” It’s fun to make him squirm. I like leaning over the counter and telling him he is marking down whatever item I plan on purchasing. It’s hilarious to see him struggle to keep his train of thought. Seriously though, he’s on my “NOT EVER” list!
Last week, the marquee outside the store read “Stay Worm”. My best friend texted me “you outta tell your boyfriend we don’t wanna be worms, but we’d like to stay warm.” I know he’d like to get warm with me, but he’s a worm, a slimy one at that.
So I’m back to being the good girl who does nothing all day but dote on her children and clean her house and cook dinner for her husband. This boring existence isn’t doing enough for me, but I’m not sure where to go from here. I guess I should get off this computer and go to the gym if I ever wanna end up naked in pictures. At least there’s one possibility left for taking off all my clothes…