As Seen on TV

Some of the stuff I see on TV really disturbs me on a very deep level. Like that skin tag commercial, I can’t watch that thing without a case of the heeby-jeebies! Not only do I find the visualization of all those skin tags unsettling, I think it’s rude of them to make people think this will be some kind of instant cure when the fine print says “use for three weeks”… 21 days of looking at one of those? No thank you!

Then there’s that commercial for the “HurryCane”. Sure, it’s a neat improvement from the old walking stick, but come on, how stupid do they think people really are? When this commercial plays on TV, a bulleted list spells out the perks that come with ordering this cane. Not only will you have the HurryCane and it’s neat little travel bag, but you also get your very own, one-of-a-kind, Certificate of Authenticity. Now I know we’re all guilty of using those lovely bullet lists on our resumes, and sometimes they require creative writing to fill them in, but come on! A certificate of authenticity, for a cane?? I dare you to walk up to the first person you see sporting the HurryCane and ask them “Do you have the Certificate of Authenticity for that?”

Maybe there’s some kind of black market for HurryCane’s and they don’t want us to be tempted to purchase a knock-off, like my Cabbage Patch Doll and her birth certificate that proved she was real. (Well, it was the certificate and the signature of Xavier Roberts on her booty.)

Then there’s that one where the toe nails have fungus– I’m glad to know the makers of Lamisil are trying to solve one of the world’s nastiest problems, people with funky feet, but did they have to make the fungus pop open the toenail like the hood of a car? For years the sound of that commercial has sent a chill down my spine. Continue reading


It’s Official…

I don’t really know how to be a bad girl. The “boyfriend” says I shouldn’t live my life without being bad at least once, but that cracked me up considering the fact that seeing me had his hands shaking like a vibrator. I’m not gonna lie, I have wondered a thousand times if I shouldn’t just throw morals out the window to make room for my fantasies instead.

Despite his many years of being a bad boy, I guess he grew up to be a class act. He’s seen me twice in recent months and both times he kept his pants on. He didn’t even try to kiss me. I thought for sure he’d try to kiss me, but he has all these morals, and I guess he couldn’t bring himself to kiss me, because, as he put it, I belong to someone else. But he did buy me a case of beer! Continue reading