People Porn

“Charming, Chiseled, Channing Tatum: SEXIEST MAN ALIVE!” It didn’t take me 3 seconds to pull that one off the rack and toss it in my basket at Wal-Mart last week. I’m not gonna lie, the naughty side of me was hoping there’d be a sealed section, a rated R kind of page, because I knew long before Magic Mike came along that Channing Tatum is everything I’d like wrapped around the stripper pole in my bedroom! We might as well rename People Magazine “Mommy Porn” this week. There is some inspiration inside those pages folks!

It’s a pretty big deal that I’d even buy the magazine at all, considering my disgruntled view of Cosmo has turned me into one of those people who thumbs through at the check-out, then puts it back on the rack. Totally not my fault, I was a loyal buyer until it dawned on me that these magazines are regurgitating the same things week after week, slapping a new picture between endless advertisements and calling it the latest and greatest.

I thought surely that would change when I put Cosmo on blast. I was fully expecting them to call me up and say “hey we read your blog and we’re ready for you to help us!” I would have too! I wasn’t ready to turn my back on the very pages that taught me how to give the perfect blow-job and entertain a crowd at the same time.

No, I didn’t give a blow-job and entertain a crowd at the same time, I LEARNED how to give blow-jobs while entertaining a crowd. Picture this: it was 1993 and I was on “tour” with the debate team. Weekend after weekend we traveled from school to school arguing about global warming and doing poetry readings. Needless to say, most of the kids is this crowd still held their V-cards. I was no better, only more outspoken.

I saved the home-runs ’til I graduated, but I’m not gonna lie, my after-school program consisted of some hot and heavy make-out sessions. I spent a great deal of time on 3rd base. Funny, I’ve been married so long, I had fooled myself into thinking I was pretty innocent before the hubby came along. Then Facebook became Mythbusters!

When a guy pops up on your “people you may know” feed and you realize you only know this guy because he practiced his oral skills in your wonderland, well, time to own up to the “almost-sluttiness”.

I didn’t want this boy to do me the most amazing favors with nothing in return, so when I saw Cosmo’s “give the best BJ ever” issue, I bought my first “dirty magazine” and read it from cover to cover. I read it out loud and I was pretty proud of myself when my lollipop licking in between paragraphs sent one poor boy to the restroom for a long while…

That’s when I realized I love sexy attention. Too bad Cosmo has become so repetitive, so boring, I need something really hot and definitely new for me to offer up $4 in this economy! Since People had Channing, and a host of other sexy shirtless men, they are the proud winners of my weekly magazine budget. Now, to up the ante on my sexy attention cravings…

(P.S. I knew Robert Downy Jr. and Bradley Cooper belonged in those pages, but when did Michael Bolton become sexy?)

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