Up the Ante

So I think it’s time to up the ante on my need for sexy attention. I think it’s time to lay a challenge before myself. So I lost 80 pounds, so what. I think I found 10 of them on Thanksgiving, but I’m not done with the transformation of this girl just yet. I think it’s time to take this game to the next level.

Monday I’m starting a new challenge called “Couch to 5K”. My best friend had to go and tell me about it. She wasn’t really fat, but I guess she was what some would call a chunky monkey and last year she walked it off until she turned herself into a hot mama. She even goes jogging these days so now she’s all “you can do it” and she’s the poster girl for “no pain, no gain…” Truthfully I’d rather a magic pill or a genie to grant me the wish of a Playboy bunny body, but let’s get real, I’m not gonna make it to Barbie size and nobody’s gonna pop out of a bottle and  turn me into the Supermodel that dwells within so I’m gonna get back in the saddle and take this horse for one more ride. Continue reading

People Porn

“Charming, Chiseled, Channing Tatum: SEXIEST MAN ALIVE!” It didn’t take me 3 seconds to pull that one off the rack and toss it in my basket at Wal-Mart last week. I’m not gonna lie, the naughty side of me was hoping there’d be a sealed section, a rated R kind of page, because I knew long before Magic Mike came along that Channing Tatum is everything I’d like wrapped around the stripper pole in my bedroom! We might as well rename People Magazine “Mommy Porn” this week. There is some inspiration inside those pages folks!

It’s a pretty big deal that I’d even buy the magazine at all, considering my disgruntled view of Cosmo has turned me into one of those people who thumbs through at the check-out, then puts it back on the rack. Totally not my fault, I was a loyal buyer until it dawned on me that these magazines are regurgitating the same things week after week, slapping a new picture between endless advertisements and calling it the latest and greatest.

I thought surely that would change when I put Cosmo on blast. I was fully expecting them to call me up and say “hey we read your blog and we’re ready for you to help us!” I would have too! I wasn’t ready to turn my back on the very pages that taught me how to give the perfect blow-job and entertain a crowd at the same time. Continue reading

Buzz Kill

I’ve been in a bit of a funky mood the past few days. That’s not like me. I’m usually super upbeat, really optimistic, but the bank account is shoving the truth in my face lately and I don’t much care for the fact that I’m at the end of my barrel, after years of working to get slightly ahead, I’m back to scraping pennies. It doesn’t matter if you blame the President, the economic cycle, the rising cost of Nike’s,  or the stars in the sky, the fact still remains that I’m dead broke and the light at the end of the tunnel has burned out.

The kids have been a bit challenging lately, the husband is never home and even my favorite boy toys have been too busy with their real lives to run my imaginary one, so I’ve just been sliding down hill. Last night I couldn’t even decide what to make for dinner. I got 5 or 6 things out of the freezer and put them back. I googled new recipes and flipped through every page of Rachel Ray’s 30 minute meals book. I’m usually a fantastic cook. I invite people for dinner 3 or 4 times a week (mainly the in-laws, but still, I feed an army). Nothing looked good. Nothing sounded good. I ended up fixing the kids corn dogs with tater tots (they didn’t notice the funk in that) and got on Facebook. Continue reading

Dear Man

Dear Man of mine,

It has come to my attention that you are in need of a little advice. Apparently, you don’t understand the art of pacing yourself. I can see clearly why you ended up burnt out. You started too soon and did too much. At fourteen you were too old for Little League but you spent all your time trying to get on first base anyway. You begged, pleaded, and offered up teddy bears holding stuffed hearts for the chance to actually touch a little cleavage. Meanwhile, my daddy was telling me to steer clear of first base, to stay off the field all together, so you really had to work for it back then.

Then sixteen came along and we got cars, and you spent all your energy trying to get me in the back seat. You got a job after school bagging groceries and loading feed into pick-up trucks just so you could afford dinner, a movie, and since I was so boobaliscious I even got little gifts from the mall like the little silver necklace dangling a heart I wore for so long thinking it meant you loved me. Don’t worry, I don’t expect an apology. I know now that it wasn’t really love, you just wanted to bury your face between the twin peaks. It’s okay, I can appreciate your admiration for the girls. I’m not saying you were wrong to love them, I’m just saying you spent way too much time and energy trying to see them. You should have relaxed a little bit, enjoyed our time together more. Continue reading

Maybe….

I’ve done some traveling recently and it really shook my  husband up. I’m not sure it was just my absence, or the fact that my absence came so soon after the words I sobbed in our bed. When I told him I needed a partner, that I was going to search for someone to be IN this with me, I could see the look on his face. I know that look, like he didn’t have a clue those words were coming, like I caught him completely off guard, like I had stabbed him in the heart. I’m not sure why he didn’t see it coming, but I know he never thought I would say “I need to find someone to be my partner.”

Truth is, I want that someone to be him, but I’m just not sure he can rally again. I’m a firm believer that in any marriage there are ups and downs and moments where you’re in and out of love. That’s the whole reason our vows remind us to be steadfast and true through thick and thin. But sometimes things just seem to run their course. There are moments when I am convinced that we’ve hit that spot where we’ve run our course. But something always happens that brings me back to him. It’s always happened that way… Continue reading