Woah, he came home

So after a weekend of my husband being out-of-town, he came home to a disaster area. I know he was pissed, but dang, he left me home alone with all the kids again. And two of them were throwing up in the middle of the night. I can handle broken bones, bloody foreheads, stinky dirty boys, but I just don’t do vomit. I changed 99.6% of the diapers, I have done every single parent-teacher conference, and I have handled every single “I don’t wanna do my homework” tantrum, so don’t look down on me when I need reinforcements every time somebody throws up.

You know, I get it that it’s not always easy living in a house full of kids. I’m probably not always sexy when I’m folding socks for the umpteenth time. But I miss the way he used to rush home to me. I miss the way he used to leave me little notes, yeah, those days before cell phones, when car phones were still those big crazy things in a leather bag that we could never afford.

I remember once he was on the night shift and I was on the day shift and “Jerry McGuire” came out on video, and before he went to bed for the day, he rushed to the video store to be the first one to rent it, and when he left for work, he left me a note that he had been thinking of me. This boy had me at hello, so things like that were always a bonus.

But like I always say, our life has always been a roller coaster. We fell in love at first sight, moved in together within a week, and then a few months later I found out he wasn’t quite divorced. Of course, his marriage was truly over, the divorce was filed for, but I thought he was divorced, so imagine my surprise when one morning he didn’t leave for work because he had court that day. That’s the moment that I realized why people kept calling me a rebound.  Of course, I was right, I wasn’t a rebound, but he could have prepared me a little bit with a simple “hey, I’m not really divorced just yet…”

So the boyfriend asked me “how did you end up with that guy?” and on one hand I’m shaking my head saying “I don’t have a clue” and on the other hand I’m surrounded by the Jerry McGuire moments that made me love this man. Our home is full of the trinkets that built our life. The hurricane glass from the dinner we had at the spinning restaurant for our honey moon on the River Walk, the bear he bought when I was in the hospital, struggling to have our first son, the red vase I had to have at an over-priced garage sale, the antique coke machine he snuck in one Christmas to surprise me, these are the reminders of the moments when I knew his heart was beating for me.

They distract me from the other memories, the time I caught him in  a bar with his hands buried in some girl’s hair, telling her how beautiful she was. Or the time he decided to test his love for me. I could go on, but what’s the point?

There’s this wonderful man who hides inside of him, who loves me intensely, who takes care of our family, who helps everyone in need, but I just wish I saw him more instead of this Jackass who dared to walk into a house, after a carefree weekend, and say “what’d you do all day?” As if I’ve accomplished nothing, when I’ve spent all my accomplishments right here making his house the best home I can offer, and again, I find myself missing the man who says “if I were there, I’d roll up my sleeves and give you a hand!”

What’s a girl to do? I’m tired of scrubbing vomit alone, and not even a thank you when he comes home!



23 thoughts on “Woah, he came home

      • I do too. Husband and I have worked hard to come back from a place where we weren’t sure we were going to make it. It has taken a lot of dedicated work and attention, but we did it!

      • I’m glad to hear that! We have done it before too, and I believe marriage is full of ups and downs, hence the wording of the vows- to make you realize there will be days when it just sucks, but sometimes I wonder, will the sucking ever end??

    • Barf is definitely gross, and I do try to tell him my feelings, but it’s hard because he always takes it as a threat to leave him, when what I’m trying to say is “I want US back”, there’s no point being here if we can’t be here in love…

      • I agree. Because of what I’ve been through, it is easy to see that he is being emotionally “triggered” when you share your feelings. It is difficult to get past that without having tools for really good communication, which we didn’t learn until we went into counselling. If he feels this threatened, what he doesn’t realize is that he is bringing this baggage with him into his relationship, and even if yours ends, he will continue to carry it around. Your man needs some tough love. The thing is though…we all do. We all need that special wake up call where we just realize “I can’t do this anymore!” It’s the thing that makes us do something about it. I hope that he knows he’s normal, but is able to see that it’s NOT about what the argument is about (barf, cleanliness, nagging) but rather it’s about how he was hurt in the past and how it keeps coming up to haunt him.

        Before my affair, my husband and I would have never considered counselling because we didn’t think there was really anything wrong. It would have been the best decision we ever made though. Although having just said that, there are some pretty useless therapists out there Have you considered going?

      • He won’t do the counseling thing, but I have from time to time. I have taken all of our kids at different times in their lives as well. Especially since some of our children were adopted after being abused (we adopted them), I knew we needed therapy but he doesn’t believe in it. He thinks therapists can’t help because they have problems too, but what he can’t see is that it would just give us a chance to work on the things that keep us apart.

      • Sigh. I understand. It’s where we were (although I didn’t go by myself like you did).

        I think it’s GOOD that therapists have problems too. Empathy can go a long way towards the power of insight.

        I really hope he finds his way. I will say a prayer.

  1. Sometimes we launch our” worst self” at those very people that we love the most. It’s easy to take for granted, and project frustrations on the very person who deserves the most praise and adoration…. the very person you are most connected to – your spouse. I’m not sure how long you are married, but with the right coaching, his willingness to participate, and some hard work, I believe you can get “US” back. I wasn’t sure based on your prior posts… but this one reflects a different tone… if you truly felt this deep love, friendship, and passion at one time ~ it may just have taken to a dormant state- in the face of all the pressures and responsibilities you and your husband are weighed down by. Sending good wishes your way, and strongly suggest finding a great counselor to help support you both while you rebuild something wonderful ~Best to you always, R

    • I’ve often wondered why we unload our most lethal venom on those we claim to love the most. It never made sense to me, and I haven’t figured out a way to broach the subject with my spouse other than asking her if she talks to the volunteers who work for her the same way she talks to me. That’s a good way to start a fight. But seriously, I still wonder why we do that. Oh, and ditto on counseling. It’s best if it’s both of you, but at least for yourself, it can be good.

      • My husband hates counselors so much, he even got angry when I took our children. He thinks therapists can’t help because they have problems too. Which is ridiculous if you ask me, but I have a theory about why we are meanest to our spouses. I think we unleash our venom there because its the safest place, its the one person we figure will always forgive us. Only, words can’t be unsaid so once they’re out there the damage is done, and it’s not always so easy to repair it.

  2. I am really touched by how loyal you remain to these ” Jerry McGuire moments” … But can I say “with full sympathy” … I think he also needs “Jerry McGuire moments” .. I know I do …

    • On the days when things are at their worst, I always ask him “why are you here?” I guess I’m wondering what his Jerry McGuire moments are… I know I’ve created them, but I wonder, does he remember?

  3. Men do tend to forget , the good thing that it is easy to surprise them … Each time is like the first time ….. Women on the other hand never forget , the good thing is you still can surprise them , and even more they dont live the moment but they drag the whole line of memories like a series of fireworks … If men just know …

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