The Game

***The only good thing about having a heart in anguish is that you can write and write and write and never run out of things to say!***

I was merely a girl when I gave you my hand,
It was nearly twenty years ago and yet
I’ve managed to be faithful, every single day.
But I know how the game is played.
Hell, I’ve seen you play it.
Sneaking outside to talk on your cell phone,
Saying it was just this guy about a car.
Funny, I never interrupted your transmission talk before.
Suddenly it’s so hard to hear when I’m near you.
But I play along, hell, maybe I’ll play my own game.
Maybe I will play with fire,
and let you lay on top of me sweating, wondering
If you’re even the one who ignited my desire.
I was never a foolish girl.
I knew love wasn’t gonna be a fairytale,
I knew those were stories from girls like me,
Who gave their hands, their hearts, too hastily,
And then wondered what might’ve been
Had they held out for that one man-
I never believed the white horse would come along
But it’s here, waiting, wanting to whisk me away,
And yet, I’m stalling, wondering what you will say,
Wondering what kind of game you want to play…
Waiting to see if we can survive another way…
But I’m not a girl with youth on my side,
So hold on to my hand, or watch me ride.

I wrote that a while back. Kind of ironic, at the time I could never understand why my husband would even entertain the thought of cheating. He’s had his moments, for sure. And now, I am the one who entertains those thoughts, and suddenly I’m a total hypocrite for ever wondering why he would stray. Because as much as I still think he has no right to ever dream of another, I’ve caught myself wishing for a lover. But it’s that empty broken feeling I faced when I caught him astray that has kept me from crossing the line, and I wonder, on days like this when I’m left here all alone again, would he even fight for me if he knew he had competition?

Oh well, time to put on my poker face, act like it’s all ok, and wish the day away…

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11 thoughts on “The Game

  1. I like the way that was written in a semi enigmatic angry but cool manner.

    I have to say that I’m shocked though if he’d cheat on you. Not that you’re precious by any stretch, but the way you’d presented things a while ago, you mad it seem as though he’s a lame who couldn’t get pussy anywhere else.

    • Well actually I am precious and I never said he couldn’t get it anywhere else. He’s an alpha. Girls try all the time to get my husband. They have tried in front of my face. For many years we couldn’t go to a club together because I used to put those bitches in their place.

    • I didn’t get it, I’ll go check it! 🙂 Oh he is an Alpha, he can walk in anywhere and get what he wants from anyone. It’s crazy, like watching a movie star… He’s charismatic, it’s addicting to be around him.

  2. There is a difference in how a person is, and how they are in a relationship, especially a marriage of this many years. With me he has gotten lazy, but I promise, if you met him, you’d be asking him where he got his game. I just wish he’d put the effort into our personal life that he puts into his life outside this house… if that makes sense to you. You might be too young to get that yet.

    • You seem to be wiser than your age, or perhaps it’s because you are a woman and not a guy of the same age. I think guys lag behind women in maturing within relationships. I suspect some of your depression is staring at 40 and wondering with Peggy Lee is that all there is. Of course you know as we all do that it isn’t all there is, but the worry is where is the rest of it and will we be able to get it. This is the marriage buster part of that feeling. If both aren’t on board with the pursuit it doesn’t mean the other will settle for life as it is but may be tempted to continue looking for fulfillment elsewhere.

      • I think the wisdom came from a really tough childhood and having to grow up before my time… I don’t really worry about turning 40- I take the gray hairs as a badge of honor I earned, but I am in this complicated situation with a house full of kids and I am forever second guessing myself, and sometimes I wonder how I drifted so far from the ideal I had of what our marriage and family was going to be like, if that makes any sense.

    • I know the perfect person to trust with my lyrics, but I’m not sure I’d want her to know this side of her mama!!

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