I miss him

Have you ever heard that song “goodbye my almost lover, goodbye my hopeless dream. I’m trying not to think about you, can’t you just let me be. So long my luckless romance my back is turned on you, should’ve known you’d bring me heartache, almost lovers always do!”

It’s been playing in my head all day because I miss him so much. I don’t know why I miss him, he’s not gone. He’s still right there, exactly where he’s been, and he still plays the role of my best friend, but we made this conscious decision not to cross that line, and to tell you the truth, it sucks.

I don’t wanna be this good girl anymore- this devoted wife who puts herself on the back burner time after time. I am sick of folding socks and never having a conversation that isn’t about kids, house, bills, and the mundane monotony making me crazy. I wanna feel more. I close my eyes, and his arms are around me and this is the dream that brings me the most joy and at the same time complete anguish because I can’t make it happen, and because I should NOT want to make it happen so badly!

Sometimes I’ve wondered if I’m just seeking attention, but that’s not the case. I could cheat. I could cheat with the Pawn Star or the Cable Guy or the Coach, I know for a fact I have a few good men willing to conspire with me, but it’s not attention I want, it’s HIS attention I miss.

Sometimes I test myself. I dare myself not to text him, not to email him, in fact I have this rule for myself that he must go first in calling or texting 9 out of 10 times. No matter what silly games I try to play in my own head, it never fails, he proves again and again that our connection is something so real. I can’t stop thinking of what might’ve been.

So where do I go with that? How do I get through the days knowing I have made my commitments  He’s not the type to just cheat on his wife and I’m not the type to just cheat on my husband and yet I can’t get through a day without wishing I could just open that can of worms!

I guess it’s a blessing in disguise that we live so far away, but it has been torture to my soul.  The one time he snuck off and saw me, guess what we did? We went to a museum. Yep, we just walked around a quaint little  museum and it was the most fun I’ve had in ages.

Maybe it was the bubbles in my stomach, the thrill of knowing I was playing with fire, or the excitement of looking at a man who sees me with such adoring eyes, but it was better than sex, it was fireworks.

It makes me go back to the night at the cabin years ago, when he was there with me, and the moon was shining down on us as we poured our hearts out over and over. There were these moments where it felt like a kiss was awaiting us, but like I told you before, he was my boyfriend’s best friend, and he was loyal to his buddy to the very end. But we sat there, wanting so badly to take a chance on being together, to go against the grain. We were already in love, but neither one of us had the courage to be the first one to say it, and it’s like we missed our window.

And then we both spent 17 years dreaming of it, wanting to go back to it, and here we are, spending our days talking and texting and wishing and missing and pretending, the same way we pretended all those years ago, that we wouldn’t be lost without each other when both of us know that what we have is what keeps us going even though, it only lives in our dreams… We’re just friends, and just friends isn’t all we wanna be.

“I cannot go to the ocean, I cannot drive the streets at night, I cannot wake up in the morning, Without you on my mind…”


2 thoughts on “I miss him

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