It’s no secret that I’ve been pretty vocal with the hubby about spicing up the bedroom boredom that has sunk in. Part of the problem here is that he set the bar so very high in our early years. I remember living in our first apartment, furnished in everyone else’s toss outs… It was nothing for us to shake the sheets 3 or 4 times a day. The old lady who lived underneath us once told me she knew exactly when he got home every night! But its not the quantity I miss nearly as much as it is the quality.
I used to think it was ironic that I called my hubby the energizer bunny only to find out his ex-wife had given him the same nickname. Now, let’s just say he could use some fresh batteries because he no longer keeps going and going and going…
I think he’s really started to get the hint that I am bored. Ok, I tried to be subtle about it, but he’s not one to take a hint, and really and truly, hinting isn’t my thing, so finally I blurted out to him “if this is going to be the same 4 minute routine you’ve been using the last 3 years, let’s just skip it and go to sleep.”
So I was in the shower the other night, and I guess it dawned on him that we are surely in a rut. Why else would I have so many boy toys? I don’t play with them, well, not yet I don’t… but I do keep them on a string, just in case! Of course my husband was paying no attention to my harmless boy toys until the other day when he dropped by the pawn shop and the manager asked if they could swap wives for a few weeks!
So now he knows, there really is a man in this world just dying to meet the twins, and he has the chance to see them every single day. He must have remembered that once upon a time, taking a shower was always a shared activity, because I was rinsing the conditioner out of my hair when he ripped back the curtain with the most mischievous smile on his face.
Just seeing that look in his eyes again made me blush! Unfortunately our encounter probably didn’t meet his expectations. Remember, we have a house full of kiddos, so when I got into the bathroom, someone had left the tub full of water. I drained that water, and at the bottom of the tub there was a soggy bar of soap. I sat that soap on the edge of the tub. And when my hubby jumped into the shower, he knocked it right back into the bottom of the bathtub, where he effectively stepped in it, smearing it all over the place.
His feet started to dance under him like a cartoon. Faster and faster they flew. I tried to catch him, pinning him for a brief moment against the hand rail, holding him halfway up, but just as he tried to get his footing he slipped again and plopped smack dab in the middle of the tub. He tried to stand up again, only he flip flopped over and landed on his ass.
I’m ashamed to say that this is where I died laughing. The more he tried to regain his footing, the more he slid all over the tub. He tried to turn over and crawl on his knees, and still it was a slip and slide show. His bald head was bright red. He was curled up in a naked little ball just sloshing around. I dared not move, for fear of getting the slimy soap on the bottoms of my feet. A good ten minutes this went on. He’d try to stand up, and he’d fall again. At one point, I was scared the bathtub was about to crack! I heard a big POP. I was laughing so hard it took all my strength not to just pee all over the place.
Finally I gained my composure enough to get the shower sprayer and rinse all the soap down the drain. He stood up and I was even kind enough to wash his back. Of course, I had laughed so hard my gut was hurting and the sexy moment had long passed on…
But I am going to give him a thumbs up for trying! Thank goodness we aren’t a few decades older, he might’ve broken a hip. Can you imagine telling the ER doctor you were injured in a quest to do the bang-bang-bogey? I bet it happens though! My teenage son learned AT SCHOOL that old people get to have more sex than teenagers or young adults and that middle aged folks get it the least… so all I can think is “Come on old age, I’m ready!”
And those teenagers who are getting it on better not live under this roof….. we don’t need to star on an MTV episode of “16 and Pregnant”. It would be more like “16 with my mom’s foot up my ass!” In fact, that is exactly why I’m not ashamed to say I stalk my children daily, and I will continue to do so until they all move out, at which time I will be too naked to butt into their business for more than one hour a day!