So yesterday my husband was pretty ticked off when he got home from work. Did he have a terrible day at work? No. Was the house was a mess? NO! Were the kids all over the place hanging from the curtain rods like monkeys? No! Was dinner burned? The desk clutter with past due notices? The yard full of shoes the kids took off in the grass and forgot about? No, no, and no! So what is the world had his panties in a wad? I was wearing my red dress!
I got this dress a few months ago, and immediately it did not meet his approval. To be fair, I ordered it online so I didn’t know it would look quite the way it does, but I’m not gonna lie, I love it. It takes low cut to a whole new level. “Why are you dressed like that?” I could tell he wasn’t happy. The truth is, our AC is struggling and wearing that dress is as good as being naked. It’s cool and comfortable and sexy as hell. Girls like to feel sexy, even when they are folding laundry on the couch. But before I could say all that, my son piped in with “she went to the Pawn Shop today and then my baseball coach came over.”
The smoke started coming out of his ears immediately. In fact, I think he told me something about looking like a hooker, or acting like a slut. Slutty hooker! Woot! That’s a new one on me. I know the real reason he was pouting. He was jealous. Of course there’s a little truth in the fact that I wore the dress knowing I had to stop by the Pawn Shop. I was looking for Grand Theft Auto, and what girl doesn’t like to be greeted with “Hello Beautiful!”
The fact that the manager could not get up from his desk because he pitched a tent the second I leaned over to borrow his pen really amused me. I don’t know why I like to see him drool. I’m not really planning on making any of his “back room of the pawn shop” fantasies come true, but the fact that he’s got the balls to tell me all he wants is to see the girls makes me giggle. His exact words were “will I ever get to see them?”
Keep drooling honey pie, and while you’re checking out the best cleavage show in town, can you mark down this game to $4? Great, thanks!
Of course I could have changed clothes when I got home, but nothing feels better than being all sexied up all day! So when the coach texted, wondering if he could come by and check my breaker box, of course I was ready for company! Tell me why this man made me sweat when we were all alone in the laundry room together.
Confession, I always thought the coach was pretty cute. I love a man who will take the time to teach kids anything, whether it be baseball or how to change oil in a car, when a man devotes his energies to young people, I get that warm and fuzzy feeling. Am I turned on by the fact that he suddenly started hitting on me after knowing me for years and never saying more than three words? No. Okay, maybe a little, but that’s not what got me all hot and bothered. What got me going was when he told me he didn’t know how the heck I managed to keep up with all the things on my plate. VALIDATION feels SOOOO good! Then he threw in that he does the laundry, and cooks dinner! WTF?? Where do these men come from that are doing laundry and cooking meals while still working and paying bills?
Did I marry a freaking Neanderthal or what? I’m supposed to be the housekeeper, babysitter, chauffeur, accountant, and handle everything in our house and still find time to work, go to school, and be supermom- it wears me out sometimes. I see myself struggling to get it all done and while my husband does work really hard at work, he gets home and throws his socks on the floor and then wonders why the kids don’t pick up after themselves more!! He spends his Friday nights out playing pool while I’m at home making lists of the school supplies I need to go buy. So forgive me if every now and then I’d like to pretend I have a different life and try to sex it up a little bit.
When we went to bed, my hubby tried to make up for the hooker comment by telling me how awesome I had looked in the dress, but it was too late, I was in full “slutty-hooker” mode, so there wasn’t gonna be any loving for him, unless of course he was ready to PAY! Hookers get paid, don’t they?
This morning my “boyfriend” called. I couldn’t wait to tell him how jealous my husband had been over the red dress. “Serves him right, he needs to be a little jealous. He needs to realize he’s got a gorgeous wife.” Damn, I wish we could play Wife Swap for a few weeks. I’d love to spend a little time with a man who will help fold towels, who finds a thousand reasons to compliment me, and then eats me up like I’m the best dessert on the menu. Why must I be such a good girl??
I don’t know if my husband fails to see how lucky he is, or if he just fails to acknowledge it, but he better do both, and fast, before this good girl goes bad…