In China it’s The Second Brother, in Spain- a Mango, in Portugal- a goose. In the Philippines it’s a birdie, in the Czech Republic it’s a Whopper. Australians call it a doodle, Argentinians say its a missile. In Vietnam they call it a Cannon but my absolute favorite has got to be Pooneywooney. That’s what people in the Netherlands call their willies. I’m quite entertained, I mean I’ve heard love stick, pocket rocket, crank shaft, dip stick, bald headed yogurt slinger, giving tree, Admiral Winky, family jewels, gear shift, one eyed snake, Mr. Love, nightcrawler, cave digger, fishing rod, Go-Go Gadget, Trouser Trout, Pajama Python, schlong, tube steak, wing-wong, pain train, and totem pole- but Poonewooney was a new one on me!
Unfortunately it’s about the only thing that amused me when I finally got around to opening my new Cosmo. I bought it weeks ago because I was dying to see the sealed section. That was a let down about as big as an hour of sex with no orgasm. There was absolutely nothing hot or steamy or remotely exciting in there.
I think it’s time the people at Cosmo get a clue and realize they’re not telling us anything new. Or maybe we need to get a clue and realize they are just shuffling the headlines to trick us into buying their magazine. What once was the best guide to a steamy Friday night is now so cluttered with advertisements and recycled articles, I wonder why in the hell I still glance at it.
When you lay them all out like that, it’s easy to see that they are just telling you the same thing over and over. First, there’s the sex: 50 Sex Moves, 50 KINKY Sex Moves, 99 Sex Questions, Wild Sex Stories, 100 Best Sex Tips, Sex Fun Sun, His Best Sex Ever, 21 Naughty Sex Tips, Sexiest. Body. Ever., Sex He Craves… and that’s just from this little pile of magazines on my bed.
Then they entice you with taglines like “Too naughty to say here” or “A bonus section so hot they made us seal it!” And of course they offer up a way to fix all the things we inherently hate about ourselves: Shrink your inner thighs, make your hair grow faster, easier stronger orgasms, and feel great naked. What girl wouldn’t buy into this?
My love affair with Cosmo started when I was 17. I was at a debate tournament, killing time between rounds, when I stumbled upon an article about flawless fellatio. Now this was good to learn for a girl with her first real boyfriend. I remember I read it out loud to my fellow teammates, and I’m not sure who blushed more, the girls, or the boys! There were play by play instructions on how to lick it like a lollipop long before Lil’ Wayne made it common knowledge. My confession for the day: I knew that practicing the Cosmo tips on a Tootsie Pop would get the boys all riled up, and I was amused when I sent one of them rushing to the restroom. He sure was gone a long time. I wonder if he still remembers that?
I took to reading Cosmo right then and there, because if I’m gonna do something, I wanna be the best, so whether it’s playing the clarinet or giving a blow job, I don’t want anyone to be better than me. For a while, the advice was wonderful, and I tried out most of it in the back seat of my old blue Dodge. Now, I’m convinced that if you read 6 issues, you’ll get all they have to offer.
Tell me why, after years and years, there is still no answer about female orgasms. Time and time again you see women writing in, asking: “exactly what should it feel like?” The answer is always some form of “well, it varies.” Ok, supposedly thousands and thousands of women have orgasms every single day; surely Cosmo can find one or two that are capable of writing a description. I mean I can understand that there may be no sure fire way to reach one, but can’t we at least agree on what exactly an orgasm is? I’m thinking it might just be that moment when your toes curl and your body shakes but what the hell do I know?
Wait a minute, I do know a little something about bringing sexy back, maybe Cosmo should give me a job! I bet I could give some advice that hasn’t been regurgitated 42,000 times already. What I know I had to learn the hard way. The ladies on their covers don’t look like they’ve led the most challenging lives, and even though I’m sure they have struggles, there’s a big difference in the struggles of the rich and famous and what average soccer mom’s face everyday. We’re struggling to pay the electric bill, so we need some advice that addresses real women.
Here’s my 10 tips for bringing sexy back:
10. No matter how good they get up in the morning, how much you like staying up watching movies with them, or how much you hate routines, trust me on this, SEND THE KIDS TO BED! Make a daily habit to have at least an hour, or better yet, two hours where kids are in bed and you and the hubby are still up! That time to unwind and chill together makes going to bed together a helluva lot better!
9. Get dressed! Come on housewives, you know you’ve been guilty of those days where there’s just an over sized t’shirt, no make-up and a ponytail in your hair. I’m not hatin’ because I have those days too, but you wanna knock your man’s socks off, get dressed. Fix your make-up and brush your hair. He’ll stare at you all night, thinking back to those days when he had to buy you dinner and a movie to get to first base. And once first base crosses his mind, hitting a home run won’t be far behind!
8. Spoil the girls. It doesn’t matter if their big or little, give them lots of attention. As a mom, I know I have gone years without buying myself new clothes or new shoes. Heck, I’m guilty of wearing the ones my teenager no longer has an interest in. Three or four years ago I decided to take myself bra shopping. I splurged on bras that were $75 as opposed to the $20 Wal-Mart versions. Was it worth it? Hell yes! If you’re a thicker girl, putting the twins up where they belong will knock 10 pounds off your appearance in a millisecond. If you’re skinny, you know you want cleavage too… it’s all in the bra! I now make bra shopping a yearly habit, a day where I go, get remeasured and blow a wad of cash on new undergarments. Even that old Metallica T’shirt is cuter with the right bra!
7. Never EVER believe that only one man would want you. I don’t care if you’re 300 pounds, there are men that are attracted to every shape and size. Whether or not you’re happy with your shape and size, know that you can attract a man. (There is one exception to this rule: HYGEINE! If you’re stinky, dirty, or sporting bad breath, the men will run! I don’t know how many times I’ve seen a woman who is bigger and just decided that meant she no longer had to wash her hair. Don’t be that girl. No matter what size you are, be the best version of yourself at all times!)
6. Pay attention to what a man says. No matter what’s he talking about, he is giving clues of how to win him over. Mirror his interests (if you genuinely share them) or simply inquire about them, and you’ve got his full attention. Even if he’s already your husband, its important to win him over from time to time. So smile big and look interested!
5. Pamper yourself! Find your perfect perfume. Body chemistry is different for all of us, so what smells awesome on your best friend may be lost on you. When testing out samples, should spray it on your wrist and wait 3 or 4 minutes before you smell it. That gives it time to settle in with your chemistry. Once you find the perfect perfume for you, wear it every single day! A man loves it when he can smell you. My husband “breathes me in” every night. There’s something so romantic about that. No matter how broke you are, find a way to budget for good bras and perfume. You can do without the fake nails and pedicures, but I’m telling you, good bras and perfume are fundamentals. Speaking of pedicures, if you’re budget allows them, that is never money wasted! Men love girly girls, they really do! Take the time to have your toenails painted, and they’ll admire you. If you don’t have the money, paint them yourself! And be sure to keep your feet moisturized if you’re a flip-flop girl. Ugly dirty feet are a turn off to most men! Beauty is in the details.
4. Be a challenge. Men like to bang the easy girls, but they don’t call them back. Hell they don’t even buy their drinks. Don’t be easy. What they really want is to work for your affections. The hard part about being married or in a relationship is that the thrill of the chase is over. Why do you think so many men like being single? They like the idea of chasing girls. Whether you’re single or already married, make a man chase you and he will only want you more!
3. Don’t be afraid to be an attention whore. If you go around acting like you deserve attention, men will pay it. If you act like you should be ignored, you will be! Flirt, and you will be flirted with!
2. Everyone knows relationships turn into routines. Routines become boring. When you get tired of the routine, break it. Do something you’ve never done before and you’re man will quickly come begging for more. It can be as simple as a slutty note tucked into his pocket, a dirty text, or you can go all out and dress like a nurse and offer to take his temperature. No matter what you decide to do, if it’s out of the ordinary for you, he will love it!
1. If you want to be sexy, then you are sexy! Walk around knowing you are the bomb and I promise you there is man who will want to set you off!
Now, that’s my advice column for the day. I fully expect all of you to get on Twitter and let Cosmo know I should be writing their columns, they need a fresh perspective in those pages!