The Single Friend

So I have this friend, and she’s been single for a long time. In fact, she’s been single every since the weekend my best friend Katy came to town. Must’ve been about 5 or 6 years ago by now. Like I said before, this is a podunk town, so there’s nothing much to do around here, but once a year, everybody goes down to The Fair.

There’s a rodeo, a ridiculously over priced carnival, and a few live bands that apparently are the cause of the jacked up ticket prices. When my son was little, I used to invite my best friend down, pick out a good cleavage displaying shirt, and load my kids up for some free rides at the carnival. I say free because carnival workers are typically perverted old tooth-missing men, and even though I would never allow one of these smelly guys with armpit stains on their T’shirt to buy me a drink or steal my digits, I will allow them to let me take my kid on the spinning apples without any tickets. 

One year, Katy got here, we got ready, and we loaded my purse up with a few bottles of liquor to make the night a little more interesting, and let me tell you, it was interesting. First, one of my husband’s childhood buddies invited me back to his place for a threesome. He even told me his fridge was stocked with whipped cream. I’m not sure why I ran and hid behind the Ferris Wheel, but I’m thinking the black-eye his wife was sporting had a little something to do with my intuition shouting “run”!

Since my son was in about 1st or 2nd grade by then, I had started to make friends with the other mommies in town. I didn’t really know many people around here, and I still think I’m an outsider, but this one lady seemed determined to befriend me. She was always complimenting my son’s athletic abilities, and as any mama knows, noticing how awesome my kids are always gets me!

Her son had come over a few times for a play-date, and I was helping her out with the PTO, so when I spotted Stacy at the Fair, I walked over, said hello, and introduced my friend. And that was it, history was rewritten. We passed around a few shots with her husband Joe and visited a few minutes, and then made our way to the carnival. As we walked away Katy said “that man should be my husband!”

Be careful what you wish for my dear friend! I guess Stacy headed home with her boys. I took my kids home and went back out to the dance where my husband asked me why in the world Joe would be looking for Katy. In fact, Joe’s exact words were “I’ve met my next ex-wife.” A week later he left his wife, moved to Houston and now he’s married to Katy and strangely my best friend now has the same last name as Stacy! And for Joe, he’s on wife #4, the whole thing is bizarre!

At first, Stacy kind of thought I was the devil for bringing my friend to town, but in time she learned to believe I had done her a favor. I mean, if you’re man is gonna step out on you that fast, try not to shut the door before he gets all his shit out of the house!

I feel bad for her though, because try as she may, she cannot land another man to save her life! I’ve tried to help her the way I’ve helped many girlfriends in the past, but it just doesn’t stick. I had to get Katy to grow her hair out and stop being a tom-boy. Sure enough, she landed a man. But Stacy is just hopeless.

The worst part is, she used to always ask me “why”… I tried to get her to solve her problems with bad breath. I tried to tell her that men don’t wanna girl who shows up in an old black t’shirt every single time. I tried to tell her that she would have to let the girls get a little sunlight if she wanted to catch a man, but did she listen?

No, she wasted nearly a year stalking a football coach who was half her age by yelling for him at all the football games.  One night I went riding around with her and she showed me all the places he frequented. She knew where his brothers lived, which bar he went to, what time he usually walked the track, which church he’d been attending, and she even had students of his trying to hook them up.

He wouldn’t even add her on Facebook, it was that bad. I tried my best to turn Stacy into a boobaliscious babe, I made her grow out the 1983 bangs, got her to buy a shirt that wasn’t plain black, made her try a tube of mascara, and although the package does look better, I’m afraid I completely failed. We’re not really friends anymore. At least, she doesn’t come to my house and hangout. She might like a Facebook status here and there, but we don’t talk and I’m perfectly content with that, but you know why we don’t talk?

I recently heard that she was distressed the night I rode around with her because I was texting my BFF. (You know, the one I have the steamy dreams about.) She didn’t feel like I was giving her my undivided attention. Ok, I’m sorry I wasn’t using my GPS to mark all the spots where the coach could be found. May I have your forgiveness please?

I think the truth is she’s jealous. She looks at me and wonders how in the world I could possibly have a husband, and a boyfriend (BFF is starting to sound too gay), and meanwhile she’s been through 3 husbands and can’t find a guy to take a chance on becoming number 4… the secret is simple: Brush your teeth, smile, and always treat the girls to a fancy new bra! That will catch them. Drop the psycho personality, and perhaps one will stick around!


6 thoughts on “The Single Friend

  1. This is so fucking gross!!!

    I know men are nasty,and we’re bad about hygiene half of the time.But I never thought they were women out there who didn’t keep their breaths up to par!

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