The First Confession

So I was trying to write all about the tangled web of craziness my friend was weaving in her desperate attempt to hang on to some guy who wasn’t worth the effort, but the truth is I have plenty of my own secrets lurking. So I changed a few things about my blog, deleted the old posts, and now I am gonna head in a new direction with what I write.

The truth is, I am in my mid-30’s. Life isn’t quite what I thought it would be. I write another blog about my family but that’s the stuff I share on Facebook. That’s the stuff my mother reads. This is definitely not the kind of blog I want my mother to read, because this time, I’m telling all… Names have been changed to protect the innocent, and the not-so-innocent players in this game.

I have always said God must have one helluva sense of humor. My latest point of contention is the fact that boys reach their peak at 17 and we don’t even know what a peak is until 35. How fair is that? Just another evil twist in the journey of humanity…

Last night I was laying in the dark of my bedroom. My body was yearning for attention. It was dark and cold, the way I like my bedroom to be, but I couldn’t for the life of me fall asleep. I wanted to make love. I wanted to feel the warmth all around me. Yes, I wanted some sweet and tenderness, but I also wanted my headboard to bang the walls. I could totally picture myself crawling on top on my husband, completely naked, and yet I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

I am kind of a shy girl. I spent so many years over weight that I forget I really am sexy now. Okay, truth, I still have a little ways to go, but I’ve come so far. I should be allowed to pretend I am sexy now. My husband has always loved me, he tells me that I am soft and beautiful and he’s always smelling my hair when we’re in bed. He says he can’t fall asleep without breathing it in, but he has always made clear that he would love a smaller me even more, so what’s a girl to do? I lost a hundred pounds and still it’s not good enough. So, even with my body desperately aching to be touched, I just laid there, sleepless, restless, afraid to put my desires out there, wondering if gravity has gotten the best of my breasts or if they’ve still got a few good years in them. They still look pretty good in a cell phone pic!

ImageI guess he finally sensed that I would be open to a little action when he accidentally touched my breast and I didn’t immediately move his hand like I often do. So I leaned in and kissed him with the kind of kiss we haven’t shared in years. I could tell he was shocked by my advance. But I am frustrated by the lack of orgasms in my life. I’m dying to change that.

He’s a boob guy so in mere seconds his hands were all over me. I was trying my best to put all my negative self-talk out of my head and just follow the urges of my body. I was telling myself to just get on top of him and take what I wanted. I kissed him more, trying to distract myself for the thoughts spinning around in my head, like “what if I look stupid” or “I never seem to be really smooth, I can’t do it right”. I was talking myself out of the very thing I wanted so bad. Then he tried to talk sexy, but it wasn’t helping, so I put my hand over his mouth. I closed my eyes and tried to keep the sexy in focus. Just then, he leaned over and kind of blew his nose.

You know what happened next? He ate a booger. Okay, he didn’t eat it, he put it in his mouth so he could spit it across the room because, as he explained, it was sticking to his finger.

And just like that, the churning in my stomach defeated the butterflies that were starting to spin. The argument in my head was settled. I rolled over and closed my eyes, and the dream I had, well, that’s tomorrow’s confession…


18 thoughts on “The First Confession

  1. WTF!!!The booger thing almost made me throw up lol!

    Irony is,women aren’t chasers/aggressors.Men are the chasers of women,so it’s reasonable that you’d feel out of your element to have to seduce your man for sex.It’s his job biologically as a man.

    • He does try, but I feel like he’s still 16, and he wants to put 5 minutes into it and be done. I want a whole lot more attention than that, and I’d also appreciate if he’d stop farting under the covers.

  2. And as of the weight thing,since I’m a member(instructor)in the pick-up/seduction community(I’m a pick-up artist),99% of us tend to only go after thin women.However,I’ve been a proponent in my community(of pick-up artists)that all women(despite size)are bangable.

    Saying all that to say,your BF/husband shouldn’t be putting any added psychological pressure on you to look thinner.Just saying.

    • Strangely I’ve been hit on a lot the past year. I’m not really used to all the attention, but presently there are 3 men interested in “banging” me. And I didn’t find them online either… these guys really truly know me. For a moment it made me feel almost high to have people try to get involved with me, but now I just wonder why all these other guys see a gorgeous girl and he still sees imperfection?? It’s really confusing.

  3. Lol I hear that!

    I can’t begin to count the amount of good girls(married ones)I’d corrupted and banged.

    Marriage has a strange tendency of turning men lazy.It’s the sense that he now has you,so his job is done.That’s how most married ppl see it(psychologically)

  4. I don’t know what hubby’s problem is, but if I were there I would tell him times is not on his side. I am way past 40. If I had had a sexual crystal ball into the future I like to think I would have done things differently. I have mentioned on other blogs the following:

    Some positions require flexibilty; some require stamina, some require less weight or body mass obstructjion; almost all require a very firm, rigid, stiff, hard and sensitve erection. Did I mention firm, rigid ,stiff and hard? All of the above, especially the last, are things that diminish with age and cardiovascular problems. Viagra, Cialis and the like don’t always work all the time or for all men. Even a new, young hottie of a wife will not cure those ills, she will only exacerbate them and sexual frustration will then be a way of life for him as well. You can lose weight, tone up and slightly increase your stamina a strength, but you can’t necessarily restore feeling to or a rock-hard erection within a 50+ penis. If his erection no longer points nearly straight up but out, he is already on the way. Time and opportunity are wasting away.

    Moving on. You were so close to doing the deed, girl. I am not discounting the booger thing. That would have taken the wind out of my sails too. “Don’t put your lips on ANY of my lips, upper or lower, or any place else for that matter.” OUT OF THE MOOD! Had it gone differently there though, you SHOULD have climbed up onto the saddle and slid down on that saddle horn and rode it for all it was worth. He needed the surprise and you needed the confidence builder. I know this may sound way out there but I think it will work. If you aren’t sure how to make the physical transition, practice or rehearse it. Lie on the bed and with your eyes closed imagine him lying beside you. Place the pillows beside you. Now if on your back, roll onto your side toward him and throw your outer leg over him around his hip and lock it there. Tell him to roll onto his back and he will pull you over with him. When you mass reaches the tipping point let you leg fall to his side. At this point, you are on top. Place you hands on his shoulders and push yourself up slowly letting your breast sway in his face as you go. At this point, you can stop here for a while since he is a boob man or continue to position kneeling with your legs beside his body and your breast displayed in full view. Reach up and run your hands through you hair slowly, maybe even cat stretch to show the girls off. You are now seated atop him and in control. Lean forward, reach down, insert and go for a ride. Go as fast, slow, deep, shallow, and especially as long as you want. Reach down and give yourself a finger or two of assistance to take one of those long awaited and sorely missed orgasms prisoner. He’ll get off on the show and you’ll just plain get off, and likely more than once. Sounds like a little rehearsal would be worth the effort to me. None of us expected to dance, or play a sport all that well at first. Why do we think something as physical as sex will happen perfectly without incidence the first time no matter the positon or partner? The learning process is half the fun anyway. Go for it CC. Much to gain and nothing to lose.

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