The Sky is Falling

No, really, it’s not. So quit your whining. Jeez, I knew this election was gonna be tight. I was really looking forward to November 8th. I wanted to vote my voice, and then- win or lose, let the cards fall where they may. Apparently not everyone had a dad like mine.

I grew up in a Republican household. I once made a snide ugly remark about Bill Clinton. Guess what my father did? Yep, he corrected me real quick. He taught me that good ole Cigar schmoozing Bill was my Commander in Chief, and therefor I was to be respectful when I spoke about him. I can’t remember if that was before or after the “blue dress”, but the lesson definitely stuck with me.

I’m not racist. I love red, yellow, black and white just like the Bible told me so, but I sure didn’t want Obama to be President. I don’t like his foreign policies. I don’t like that he took a plane load of money to pay off terrorist, thus weakening the American government. I don’t like that this Obamacare penalizes the people who STILL can’t afford it, but I have blocked the highway in a rage? Have I lit a building on fire? No, actually I did something completely radical.

I voted for a newbie to take over. Why don’t I trust Hillary?  She has called young black men Super Predators that need to be “brought to heel” like dogs in training. Where are the Black people fired up to rally about this? Is it ok for Hillary to be a bigot? Bill was talking about Obama one day and he said “a few years ago he’d be getting off of us coffee”… thanks, Bill! Real nice.

She’s willing to murder little babies old enough to survive birth. I don’t believe in abortion, but I’m gonna admit there are a few circumstances where I feel like the mother is the only one who can make that choice— if she was raped, if she or the baby will die as a result of the pregnancy, if she knows the baby is severely deformed… personally, I’d hand in there and see what God brings me, but I could understand if someone else needed to make a different choice. What I don’t understand is ripping out a baby big enough to live outside the uterus and just letting it lay there and die. I’ve read accounts of these types of abortions and I do believe that if they are performed, they most likely serve to haunt the mother, doctor, and nurses involved.

Did I choose the lesser of two evils? Maybe that’s what it came down to. The simple fact is, he won. Get over yourselves. This craziness has gotten ridiculous. I’m so sick of all the memes that say : “If you voted for Trump, please tell your LGBT friends why they don’t matter to you.”

They do matter to me, and I’m going to stand up for them whenever I need to.  I’m sick of career politicians. The constitution was designed so that people would take turns, like civic duty, serving on Capitol Hill. It was supposed to be our best businessmen, inventors, scientists, doctors, farmers, ranchers, and community leaders. They weren’t supposed to go there and stay 30 years. They were supposed to go, make a difference, and go back and live among the people so that they could know how to better serve if called up again. I want that glass ceiling to be busted wide open. I want to see women earn as much as men for the same jobs. But I won’t choose her just because we both have XX chromosomes.

But here’s the topper to the cake. It doesn’t matter who you voted for or who I voted for, the election is over. We have to move on with the business of making this world a better place. I’m willing to do my part. I’m willing to let this election be laid to rest. I’m not gonna light anything on fire or block any traffic to prove I’m upset. I’d gladly answer a survey, serve on a committee, or give my input where it can be analyzed and evaluated.

But if I see one more person sit around whining about how they need to leave the country, I swear I’m gonna charter a flight and get all my friends to pitch in for gas and then I’m gonna fill that plane up and send it flying on an unknown course.

Why don’t you make that a Facebook Meme and go POST IT somewhere!



The Magical Vagina

My best friend texted me other day. She said “I’d like to see just where in the Mommy/Wife handbook having a vagina makes you automatically responsible for every meal every person in this house ever eats?!”

Behold! It’s the magic of the vagina. xx-xy

Continue reading

Why are you still yelling??

I’ve admitted every fault I have. I talk to much. I worry too much. I don’t clean the house enough. In my defense I’ve been busy… 7 kids and all their pets, sports, and educational activities, my full-time college career that’s been going on for a decade now, the job I try to hold down, the paperwork I’m stuck doing that leaves my desk three feet deep, but yeah, I admit it. I’m sentimental and I saved a pair of baby shoes from all of them and I have some of their pacifiers in a box and I have baby teeth hidden in the drawer and I can’t part with the seashells I hunted with my grandpa 30 years ago. All of those heartstrings hold clutter.

I’m not all bad. I make the bed. I love fresh sheets. I’m creative. I love to make things beautiful. I try. Why can’t you understand anything about me? I’ve spent 20 years giving you everything I have.

You know I loved him. I wanted him. I let him go because it was taboo. You felt threatened for a moment and suddenly you showed me your love, and with this family we built, I chose you. And as soon as I did, I heard my heart shatter. Continue reading

Damn Me

I miss you. In the depth of my soul I ache for you. I question the road you chose and wonder why it led you so far away. I miss the smell of your chest pressed against mine. I miss the taste of your kiss- I’m not even supposed to remember that, but I long for the safety of your smile, the comfort of your voice, the complete lack of judgment that made me feel like someone truly knew me and loved me anyway…

I told you to choose her. I know it was the right thing to do but it hurts me still, knowing you were packing to leave. You were sitting there, completely vulnerable, ready to choose me- and we could have wrapped each other in love and understanding, and I told you to go back home. I chose misery to avoid the complications of explaining my twisted heart.  Continue reading

Crazy Bitch

My heart is hurting. Why oh why did I try to spend Memorial Day with “family”? When will I ever learn?

I went to a BBQ at my mother’s house. After she had cancer and suffered the loss of her husband we started to rebuild a relationship. But it’s fragile. There are subjects we still have to dance around carefully.

They call me the abrasive one. I’m the know-it-all. I think I’m superior to everyone else.

Right, of course I am.

They are the victims of my sharp tongue and I just say these things out of the blue.

Why do I care? Continue reading

A thousand tears….

I’m sick of crying. Everyday something new comes to my attention. Something I missed. About MY OWN DAUGHTER. How could I not see the things that were happening?

I’ve spent her entire life trying to fix her. Trying to save her. Trying to build her up. And now she tore me down with one move. How does that happen? It’s like a game of chess you’ve spent months on, carefully planning every play, and then all of sudden, checkmate.

What do you do when your child falls prey to the dark side?

All I keep doing is praying for the light.

photography 118

Truly Fucked

I started this blog because I wanted to chronicle the tangled web my friend was weaving as she created a fake facebook profile to catch her exes new love cheating, and it worked. The stupid girl fell for the fake profile hook line and sinker, but that wasn’t as satisfying to write about as I thought it would be. Then I ditched those posts and decided to write about my own twisted heart. I thought it would be great to confess that I still loved a boy from the past and that I sometimes spent my time entertaining myself by flirting with men all over town, but still that wasn’t anything mind blowing. Who hasn’t sat in their car, cranked up the sappy love songs, and tortured themselves for a moment with those “what might’ve been” thoughts running through their mind?

But today, today I can truly write the most fucked up story of my life. My daughter has become addicted to pain pills. She convinced herself that her younger brother was molesting her little sister, Today her brother is sitting in a jail cell. She’s left the state. My little girl is confused about what to say to who. And I’m left with a life falling apart at the seams. Why? Because a mixed up young mother decided to avenge her childhood traumas by creating a situation so she could come in and be the hero- Only no one here needed saving.

Today I surrendered my innocent son to a system I don’t trust. Today I saw him scared for the first time in his life. Today I realized that no matter how hard you try to keep someone else afloat, they sometimes sink your ship.

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring. I’m in the battle of my life. I never in a million years could have imagined this would happen. I’ve tried my best to be good, to do good, and even when I wanted to be bad, I backed out and chose being good, and now nothing good has come my way. When do I give up??

I’m feeling pretty close to the end.

I was Running!

I always had pretty sensitive nerves but a few years ago, I was diagnosed with both neuropathy and fibromyalgia. The only thing my doctor did was offer up some hydrocodone. Yay. Just what I aspire to be, a prescription drug addict. I filled them a few times, but this haunting thought of myself with gray hair popping pill after pill made it impossible for me to take them. I don’t wanna be the old lady licking cough syrup off the floor. I’ve seen that lady…. Continue reading

My brother from another mother

So here’s something that shocked me. My brother loved me. He was happy to see me. He apologized for chickening out before. He hugged me. I cried like a baby.

It was so weird to walk into a bar and hear a voice that is part of me. I’ve waited 36 years to meet him. Ok, so that gives away my age, but just this once, I will let it slip. Continue reading

Utterly Alone

I think I’m in the strangest phase of my life. I am surrounded by people all the time, granted, most of them are little people, but they are people. My house is never empty. I can’t even pee in silence and yet I am completely and utterly alone. I believe God has lessons for us in every stage of our development, I do- but I just don’t know what I am supposed to get from this complete distance I feel.

I keep doing projects. Tons of project. Repaint the dining room chairs, sew a summer wardrobe for the baby, paint my first painting, build my first wooden shelf, refinish the night stands, I have a list of projects that I have been cranking out. I find that I can really pray and meditate during these times, but I’m still missing something.

I need a friend. I need someone who calls me and wants to know how my life is going. Someone who wants to drink a beer with me or go for a walk. Someone who will let me brag about making my grand-baby laugh, but I’ve done something that has rid my world of every single friend I’ve ever had and I don’t know what that something is.

I keep asking myself if it’s the crazy mess I call home or if its the fact that I have so many kids and too many dogs but surely that’s not enough to scare everyone away.

The most fucked up part is that I don’t talk to the boyfriend anymore. Not at all. I don’t even know why. Just one day he said he was going to tackle a big project at work and it might be a few weeks before we could really talk again, and then months went by and I haven’t heard a word. I kind of think maybe he decided there wasn’t room in his life for me and his wife, and I have to respect that. I just wish he’d tell me that. But he hasn’t said anything. He’s just MIA. He spent 4 years talking to me 5 times a day about how many years he spent loving me (seventeen to be exact) and now I haven’t heard a word from him in months. It broke my heart just a little bit. I think because he is truly the closest friend I’ve ever had. He was the one. He didn’t judge me or try to change me or think I needed to do better. He just loved and accepted me exactly how I am.

We could of had a steamy affair. We could have made love in the moonlight and written poetry about it for years. But I knew if I let myself fall to pieces in his arms the way I wanted to, I’d lose him. An affair can’t last forever, so I thought we could be friends instead. Our souls were so perfectly matched, I thought having him as my best friend was the perfect solution. Had I known this silence was in our future, I would have said “fuck it” and danced naked with him.

Being married doesn’t mean your fantasies die, and that man stars in my carefully crafted dreams even now. And I can’t even understand why he’s not here. I’d give anything for one more conversation to lay this love to rest. Meanwhile guess what my husband thinks? He thinks my best friend has disappeared because I gave him what he wanted!

Yep, I didn’t do the bang bang boogie, but I should have because my husband thinks I did. He throws out little comments to let me know he questions my fidelity. I’ve spent years being faithful to this man who will flirt with anyone- who runs around town acting like a horny old fool and yet I’m the one being questioned in this relationship? At least I was honest. I never denied the love I carry for this blast from the past and I didn’t break my wedding vows but my heart is broken and I am lost and there’s not a soul I can take my heartache too.

There are nights I wish I could fall asleep and never open my  eyes again, but I know how ridiculous that thought is so today I’m going to focus on something even crazier that my somewhat break-up with my almost-lover. I have a long lost brother and tonight he’s playing with a band just about an hour down the road. I think I’m going to go sit in the audience and listen to him sing his heart out.

It might be weird. We’ve never met. We’ve spoke on the phone one time. I’m not sure he’ll know me. I’m not sure I’ll be brave enough to say hello. But I’m going to try. My husband said he’s going to take me. He said he wants to be my best friend. So I’m gonna try that too….